Some of youse BUGgers over the years have made quite a bob acting on the amazingly accurate predictions of The Bug’s world famous soothsayer Kisma Aryias and today’s first star sign might just be the latest opportunity to do just that. Regardless, Kisma will keep you all safe and alive all through April and the middle month of autumn if you simply follow his wise advice.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

As a proud Australian, you believe Australia missed a great opportunity to have two fine prime ministers when voters ignored Craig Kelly (United Australia Party, 2022) and Suellen Wrightson (Trumpet of Patriots, 2025) but firmly believe our once great nation can get back on track in 2028 when Aunty :Pauline, leader of the white indigenous One Nation peoples claims The Lodge.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder whether you’ll change your mind if it turns out the takedown of cop killer Dezi Freeman was not the three-hour standoff as described by the Victorian Police Commissioner and he was in fact gunned down from the bedroom doorway as he slept soundly beside his tri-colour border collie but then quickly decide .. nah, fuck it!

GEMINI – May 21 – June 2

Planning your first trip to Adelaide, you are determined to see the state’s major wine-growing areas, enjoy the city’s amazing colonial architecture along North Terrace, marvel at the amazing range of produce available at the city markets, enjoy a meal of King George Whiting and hope to catch a glimpse of the Kia Picanto taking the Liberal Party’s lower-house members to Parliament. One pollie will have to sit on the lap of another, unfortunately. The SA Liberal branch also looked at a Kia Carnival but it proved too expensive.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You lie awake all night staring at your bedroom ceiling and wondering when ADR*, the worst condition of advanced dementia in the elderly, will finally take out Donald Trump.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You are not at all surprised to hear that the City of York Police Department has culled almost their entire police force, top to bottom, and will now reply solely on Patience to solve all local crimes, major or otherwise.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You drastically cut your family’s cost of living burden by scraping up some indeterminate roadkill, showing it to your kids and telling them there’ll be no visit from the Easter bunny this year, or for ever more.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You’ll probably never forgive your practical joker of a mate when he convinces you to take a look at the latest episodes of Married at First Sight seeing they are being promoted relentlessly on Nine as Frenzied All-In Fucking Week!

  SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

Always a forgiving soul, you will not pass judgement on the extent of Donald Trump’s dementia until he grabs that big red tie of his and fellates it, finishes it off with a handjob and then spends a half-hour of dancing to the Village People’s YMCA while secret service agents clean the jizz off that tie.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You can’t believe your luck while walking down a deserted laneway at night armed only with a 3.4kg Duncan and Fearnley cricket bat, you come across an equally mentally disturbed bloke with a 3.4kg Duncan and Fearnley cricket bat of his own. You knew it had to happen one day!

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You wonder why you still shake your head when you hear Donald Trump threatening to commit war crimes and flout international law by bombing Iran power stations and other civilian infrastructure. Your head-shaking should have stopped long ago knowing what a truly dreadful cunt he is.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You lie awake at night staring at the ceiling and wondering if you’re the only bloke in Australia who fantasises about having a sandwich with Michaelia Cash and Gina Rinehart. You don’t even know if they like sandwiches,

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You really think Aquarius above has nothing to worry about. Your sandwich fantasy involves Clive Palmer and Kyle Sandilands with not a jar of vaseline in sight, and that’s certainly something you’ll be keeping from your wife.

* acute diaper rash

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