ALL POLITICS IS LOCAL!

BRISBANE: Queensland police HQ is expected to release later today the final count of people who died during and in the hours after a recent meeting in nearby Redlands at which Nationals leader Matt Canavan slammed any attempt to reach a net-zero emissions target.

After the meeting ended and attendees had reached for their zimmer frames and beckoned forth their carers to help with oxygen tanks and other medical essentials and had left the venue, an estimated 24 people were discovered dead in their seats. The Bug understands autopsies have revealed they all succumbed to old age despite persistent rumours that Senator Canavan had bored them to death.

Another 13 people found unconscious in their seats were ferried by ambulances to nearby hospitals where the response of one spokesperson summed up all their circumstances: “It was just their time, love. Nothing sinister. No scandal. We all get to die one day and today was their day.”

All those who died – in fact most of the attendees – had been bused to the protest forum from local aged-care facilities on the promise of a nice Devonshire tea and an intellectually stimulating discussion on why Tony Abbott has always known climate change fears are absolute crap.

The hospital source added: “The only upside of this tragedy is the number of permanent care beds that have opened up at retirement villages and aged-care facilities around here as a result, which means hospitals – such as this one plagued by too many beds being taken up by the elderly who can’t find permanent care placements due to high demand and low supply – can now send these smelly oldies packing.”

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