ADELAIDE: Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills (far right at right in main picture) has lambasted his own party following its choice of a candidate to stand in the by-election for the seat of Farrer previously held by former leader Ssussan Ley.

At a short news conference in the east wing library of his family seat Pout House, His Lordship began by telling assembled reporters that he could not understand why the NSW Liberals had chosen lawyer and Albury City councillor, Raissa Butkowski, (below) to carry its flag at the 9 May by-election.

“I must clarify my remark,” he swiftly added. “My argument is not with the obviously and sadly untitled Miss Butkowski.

“I have no idea of relevant details such as her lineage – although her name suggests she is clearly not of British stock,” he said before drawing deeply from a nosegay drawn from a laced cuff.

“I also have no idea of where she schooled or where her family estates may be found, if indeed they exist at all, and most significantly, to whom she is married.

“Nay. My argument is centred on the fact that the Liberal Party played into the hands of those who would bring down the great nation that my family singlehandedly built by agreeing to stand anyone in the 9 May by-election.

“My point is this: Why do we need a by-election at all?” he asked. “All this nonsense about having so-called ‘voters’ cast their so-called votes’ is all just a waste of time and effort and money.

“What, I ask, is wrong with merely appointing someone to take the seat of Farrer – for life, I stress  – in our national parliament?

“Someone who would be ideal in such a position would be my own dear darling daughter Lady Georgina (far right at left in main picture) whose right to sit in parliament and steer our nation’s future has so been stymied by this woke and senseless insistence on having her gain sufficient ‘votes’ as previously indicated.

“I believe my dear Georgina as the MP for Farrer may even deign to visit the electorate if demanded. Perhaps once per term.

“I have personally never deigned to set foot in its major centre, Albury,” Lord Downer noted while displaying a distinctly uncomfortable facial expression.

“I assume the so-called ‘city’ has civilised facilities, though I shall advise dear Georgina to ensure her retinue packs her personal bourdaloue just in case.”

The news conference came to an end shortly after Lord Downer predicted that Lady Georgina, as a federal MP, would “soon and inevitably” ascend to the heights His Lordship himself had achieved to lead the federal Liberal Party as he did during what he described as “the Downer years”.

A bold cove among the throng of reporters interjected at that point and corrected His Lordship by offering “the Downer three-quarter year” to more accurately reflect the period of his leadership.

At that Lord Downer’s lips began to quiver, his eyes misted, and he threw down his ivory-tipped swagger stick on the marbled floor and stormed from the room but not before calling for the hounds to be released.

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