Autumn in our part of the world has begun – and while its dangers might not be as obvious as those that face us in Spring and Summer; sharks, snakes, floods, heatwaves, etc, etc, – it’s still as important as ever to follow the wise advice of our world-famous soothsayer if staying safe and alive for just a bit longer are your aims.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You start to wonder if you’re the only person in the world now feeling just a little sorry for Andrew Mountbatteredgirls-Windsor. After all, it was his privileged and right-royal above-the-law-so-I’m-untouchable cock that made that bellend fuckwit do things he knew he shouldn’t have.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You have absolutely no idea why you thought of a certain US TV comedy from the mid 1960s to early 1970 as reports came through of former US President Bill Clinton’s evidence to that congressional hearing about his dealings with the late convicted sex trafficker and paedophile Jeffrey Epstein

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You kinda feel sorry for the Liberal Party deciding not to release the post-mortem into their disastrous 2025 federal campaign, mainly because the two people they’ve now selected to try to kickstart the Liberal carcase – Angus Taylor and Jane Hume – were largely responsible for that poll disaster along with you know who – yep, that charisma-free-zone who decided voters in their rush to return God’s chosen political party to power didn’t need to be offered sensible and costed policies, just some Trumpian slogans he tried to avoid but couldn’t help himself. Fucking genius!

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

Phoned by a well-respected pollster and asked to describe Anthony Albanese’s recent performance as PM in just one word, “difficult” comes easily to mind.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You’ve got quite a bit of explaining to do to family members and your wide network of friends – but especially your girlfriend – after you declared on Facebook late yesterday that you had decided to come out for the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras parade along Oxford Street after all.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You suspect that the mooted name-change for the Sky LNPNews will make the platform much fairer and far more reasonably balanced in its political reporting and then rock yourself to sleep, giggling insanely at your previously undiscovered sense of humour.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You grab a feather and knock yourself down with it on hearing that the first edition of that new show, ABC National Forum, moderated by David Speers and the replacement for Q&A, would delve into “the lives and experiences of Jewish Australians”, a production that will no doubt highlight their sadness and despair and fears over the totally unfair but fast-rising anti-semitism around the globe caused by Israel’s right to defend itself these past two years and five months where some Gazan kids might have accidentally gotten hurt.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You really enjoyed last night’s coverage of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras but admit to being a little surprised to see quite large contingents from the Freckle-Punchers Guild of Parramatta and the Shirtlifters Society of the Northern Rivers.

  SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You wonder if you’re the only person left in Australia still giggling uncontrollably over Patricia Karvelas’s stated view that Treasurer Jim Chalmers should be “nervous” over the prospect of debating Tim Wilson.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You can’t believe your luck while walking down a deserted laneway at night armed only with a 3.4kg Duncan and Fearnley cricket bat, you come across Rowan Dean.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You are not at all surprised to wake up to hear that Donald “I’ll give Iran a week to come to their senses” Trump has decided to blow up the country early just so one supreme leader could show another supreme leader who’s fucking daddy, okay!

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You’re glad the Winter Olympics are over because your family’s trip to Falls Creek inspired by the event turned out to be very, very, disappointing indeed.

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