Former New Zealand Prime Minister Dame Jacinda Ardern will be Australia’s new deputy prime minister within weeks.

This follows the news that Dame Jacinda and her family are moving to Australia and the shock overnight resignation of Anthony Albanese as the nation’s 31st leader and as the long-time member of the inner-Sydney electorate of Grayndler. Treasurer Jim Chalmers will be the nation’s 32nd PM.

The Bug can reveal exclusively that the Labor Party’s national executive is at this very moment looking at ways to circumvent any current residential time restrictions before a new Australian citizen can stand for elected office and if this can be done quickly, Dame Jacinda will be parachuted into Grayndler while there are still enough Labor voters there to send her to Canberra.

And Dame Jacinda has been assured that once in the nation’s capital, she will have the numbers to roll current Deputy PM Richard Marles.

“So as you can see, it will be a win-win situation all round,” Labor Party national secretary Paul Erickson told The Bug on the condition of anonymity.

“Can you imagine how our poll numbers will rebound just from not having that boring fuckwit Marles mumbling and stumbling along on our TV screens and kissing his Virginia-class submarine model every now and then.

“Albo first and then with Marles we’ll get rid of two rusted-on Zionists and devoted champions of AUKUS nuclear submarines we can’t afford and probably will never get anyway.

“We’ve had some Labor PMs who looked the goods before winning office – brilliant, decent, intelligent, minds with Labor policy clarity who handled the media with ease – but then were utter disappointments once in the big chair – think Kevin Rudd and Julia Gillard and Kevin Rudd.

“But their reputations have been somewhat repaired by the four years of banality and right-wing rhetoric from Anthony Albanese who was so shitscared of offending anybody that he barely moved the needle on the Gough scale of greatness.

“We will probably never have any idea what these people are shown their first day in office by US spooks but overnight they turn into Zionists and US sycophants and dog-whistling experts. There was a time when a younger Anthony Albanese could instantly have spotted the Israel genocide in Gaza from any distance and wouldn’t have let Isaac Herzog anywhere near Australia, found Jillian Segal instantly abhorrent for very good reasons, would have immediately seen Donald Trump’s Board of Peace for the absolutely fucking disgusting piece of anti-Palestinian treachery it is, and would have quietly gotten those Australian kids and their silly mums out of Syria without a jolt of worry about how that might affect his chances for the record number of re-elections he had hoped to achieve despite being remembered after it all ends for not doing anything fucking well worth remembering.”

And in a media call just finished outside his Sydney electoral office, former PM Albanese said it had been a difficult time for him recently but while it had been an absolute honour to have been Australian PM for almost four years he was confident he was making the right deshishon to spend more time with Toto and Jodie in their humble beach shack on the NSW central Coast.

STOP PRESS: The Bug can also reveal that the Labor federal executive has not given Dame Jacinda any guarantee that she might one day be PM. She’s been told that incoming PM Jim Chalmers must be given clear air for the next two-and-a-bit years left of the current Labor term. She’ll get her chance if Chalmers turns out, as bitter experience has shown, to be nowhere near as good as most people hope and pray for and he soon ends so far up Donald Trump’s orange-flecked arse that his head is touching Andrew Clennell’s feet.

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