A cruel prank engineered by various federal government ministerial staff has backfired, leaving Prime Minister Anthony Albanese, Foreign Minister Penny Wong and other senior Cabinet members languishing in various hospitals around the country and recovering ever so slowly from the massive shocks and loss of consciousness the prank sparked.

The Bug can reveal that after last week’s Parliamentary session ended and MPs returned to their electorates and states, ministerial staff with time on their hands and no-one overseeing their activities created a fake memo to their ministers, allegedly containing the basic outline of a major speech by new Opposition Leader Angus Taylor called “My manifesto for a better, safer, Australia!”

The memo included a radical new approach by Taylor to a number of key issues, including:

1. The axing of the AUKUS nuclear submarine deal, with the estimated $380 billion in savings going to urgently needed housing construction, effective and lasting rent relief measures until the housing supply kicks in, major infrastructure projects and free dental care and other stuff as well. The $30 billion submarine base will also be scrapped. Australia will instead go back to buying some conventionally powered subs suited to harmlessly puttering around the South Pacific where they won’t offend major trading partner China.

2. The concept of a two-state solution that assures Palestinians of a state of their own within Israel is an absolute nonsense because it’s never going to happen. Greater Israel is on its way, Netanyahu’s Zionists will win, the Gazans and West Bankers are fucked so the most honourable thing that an LNP government could do until that happens is to expel the Israeli ambassador and make constant noises about how awful the genocide in Gaza and the unlawful settler takeover of the West Bank backed by the IDF are until, of course, Bibi wins and we’re all going to have to suck up his arse bigtime when, like that British museum, the entire concept of Palestine will be written out of the history books.

3. The putting on hold of our Anzus treaty with the US until that truly awful cunt Trump is removed from office, taken out back and shot a number of times just to make sure.

4. The need to tone down the racist messaging over immigration numbers. There’s no votes in it.

One of the staffers who created the mock “manifesto” told The Bug: “We truly thought by the words we used and the overall silliness of it that all the ministers would see the joke immediately and toss the memo away without a second thought.”

“I mean, really, does anyone believe Taylor would ever go down any of those paths, even if the truth of the matter is that they would make a lot more sense than a rehash of the 2025 election that will see him rolled before the next poll.”

But the reaction around the nation was anything but that. Close confidants of the PM told The Bug that as soon as Albanese read the memo back in his Grayndler, Sydney, electorate, he shouted: “We expected Taylor to go even further right than we already are if that’s at all possible,” before fainting dead away and being rushed to a nearby Neville Wran Memorial private hospital.

Back in her Adelaide office, Senator Wong read the fake memo, shouted “Israel will always have the right to defend itself!’, took a picture of Israeli president Issac Herzog from her pocket and kissed it passionately a number of times before collapsing on the floor, looking more or less lifeless, and taken to the Don Dunstan Hospice and Beauty Spa.

But of all the ministers fooled by the fake memo the saddest was Defence Minister Richard Marles, still in ICU at a Melbourne hospital. Nurses have been unable to take the AUKUS nuclear submarine model from his hands and no amount of sedatives has so far stopped him shouting repeatedly: “Will this affect my post-politics job with a major US defence supplier?”

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