Aunty Pauline, the national leader of the white indigenous One Nations people, has ordered a full inquiry into the “tragic” recent attack on Invasion Day protesters in Perth.

She has appointed NSW Senate hopeful and new mob recruit Barnaby Joyce as a special envoy investigating the tragic events in Perth on Australia Day.

“I’ve given special envoy Barnaby just over $60,000 to conduct a thorough yet time-restrained review of those events and report back with positive recommendations as to what went wrong on that day.”

“He needs to get to the bottom of this matter and that reminds me, he has been expressly warned not to submit his progress using emailed images showing sprawled notes of his written in felt pen on the naked arses of hotel bar wenches like he did with his drought envoy work some years back.

“We have told him it will be acceptable for his weekly reports to be scribbled on the backs of beer coasters considering the conditions he’ll be beavering away under,” said Aunty Pauline (pictured), whose mob, the Flakeandchips peoples of the Chickensalt region (Ipswich), a sub-section of the wider Lockyer Valley bodgieandwidges tribe, and a proud mob who have for aeons if not decades offered a deep-sea mullet, large chips and a can of coke to surrounding tribes at close to cost in exchange for their preferences.

“Barnaby had promised that each and every morning he spends in WA, he’ll start work as early opener as possible.

“I’ve set a deadline of March 31 for Barnaby to submit his final and completed review, including a full report by explosives experts that explain clearly why, tragically, that homemade bomb didn’t go off.”

“Now I know that sounds a bit harsh coming from someone who hasn’t got a racist bone in my body but, goodness me, I have no idea why the black indigenous mob are so against Australia Day being celebrated on January 26, the date Captain Cook completed his circumnavigation of Australia.

“And what is their obsession with changing all our place names to darkie ones and demanding we pay to just walk on their beaches, and pay even more if you want to take a dip or have a fish.

“I would never have hoped for any fatalities from that Perth incident but perhaps if some of these silly and misguided people had been peppered with non-life-threatening nails, screws and bolts it just might have knocked some sense into them.

“All indigenous Australians own Australia and all colours matter,” the prime minister-in-waiting concluded.

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