Well, where does a summer go, hey? With only one summer month left to die in one of dozens of raging bushfires across the nation or drown in unprecedented flooding just about everywhere up north or have dozens of bull sharks enjoying riding the waves with you if you go surfing anywhere in Sydney Harbour, it’s more important than ever to follow the wise advice of our world-famous soothsayer if making it through to autumn is your aim.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

It’s been that time of the year when you stare at your bedroom ceiling, sadly remembering the golden decades now long passed when only Australia and a few other countries had tennis courts and our players were the best in the world.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You are thankful that the overnight bombings by Israel in the Gazan Strip have only killed 30 innocent people, and that’s because you appreciate that the civilian death would have been much higher without the current ceasefire agreement.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You attend a screening of Melania at your local gold-star cinema and appreciate the chuck bucket staff have conveniently put beside your seat.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You read somewhere that a Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has issued a statement following the release of fresh Jeffrey Epstein files that declares “I have never been photographed once straddling what appears to be an underaped girl”.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You then notice Mr Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor has issued a second statement apologising for a typographical error in the first release, where the word “underaged” should have been used.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You wonder how many people are going to be hurt/arrested as they protest the looming visit by Isaac Herzog and make a mockery of the social cohesion he and Anthony Albanese had hoped to achieve by his visit.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You suspect that the new owner of Nine Entertainment Co’s shock-jock radio stations will ensure that they are much fairer and reasonably balanced in their political reporting and then rock yourself to sleep, giggling insanely at your previously undiscovered sense of humour.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You welcome the news broken elsewhere today that Israeli president Isaac Herzog will only get to sympathise with fellow Zionists who survived December’s Bondi Beach massacre and that Waverley Council has set up a small tent for this to take place at the southern end of the beach. A missile-signing exhibition will take place and his handful of Zionist supporters are expect to chant “there are no innocent people in Gaza!” and “From the River to the Sea, Greater Israel shall be free!” and “A Palestinian state there will never be!” As well … aw, fuck it! I think we’ve made our point, don’t you?

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You start to wonder if there may be some truth to countless social media posts that US President Donald Trump constantly shits his pants at official functions, media calls and the like and if that is so, would it not happen as much if he stayed awake at such events?

  SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You truly were unaware of the pitiful depths the federal Liberal Party had plunged to until hearing the news that Angus Taylor was now the only likely opponent for Susssan Ley in any leadership spill.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You can’t believe your luck while walking down a deserted alley late at night armed only with the 3.5kg Duncan and Fearnley cricket bat you come across just one of the advertising geniuses who decided every modern TV ad must contain an element of so-called humour.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

And you then wield the bat with extra force when he tells you he’s the advertising guru who wrote and directed all the Youi ads.

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when you just know that the wartime Ukrainian President must grit his teeth listening to the stream of puerile narcissistic shit dribbling from the mouth of the bright orange demented baboon and silently entertain the idea of punching out the bloated, Putin-appeasing, cowardly, fake bone-spurred oxygen thief.

You are shocked but not surprised to realise that by the time the bloated bright orange demented baboon and Putin-appeasing, cowardly, fake bone-spurred oxygen thief mentioned above should finally face jail for his many crimes, he’ll probably avoid that much-deserved incarceration after being found by experts sourced from his defence team to have been non compos mentis since birth.