Do you BUGgers out there know how many times the bitter and twisted, washed-up, old hacks who compile this column have wanted to fucking well give up on their campaign to get “subs” at the Heralds to folio (number) pages with a polished and logical professionalism?

Their campaign had hairs sitting on its backside a long time ago. Sometimes we think our lessons have been taught and have caught on; then reality sets in quickly that many of these “subs” either haven’t got a clue or couldn’t give a flying fuck about how any edition they are “working” on are numbered.

Today’s prime example: two stories that spill from PAGE 3 of today’s (Saturday’s) SMH have been declared by these “subs” to have come From Front Page!

For fuck’s sake, guys and gals! Page 3 of any printed newspaper has NEVER, EVER, been called the front page. Well, not until the Heralds started predominately Hardly Normal wraparounds where the inside fake cover is often but not always folioed as PAGE THREE! As it was today.

So, very regrettably, we’ve dusted off an old tutorial in a fresh bid to educate various “subs” at the Heralds but we’re not sure why …. they clearly haven’t worked well in the past. Our lessons or the subs for that matter. Hence our growing doubt as to why we fucking bother!

Still, are you ready, “Subs”? WE appreciate this tutorial is fairly childish but we do know who we’re dealing with.

Okay, ready? Hands up if this graphic is correct?

Well done, most of you! How about this one?

… and this one?

Okay, so far so good. But here’s where it gets tricky! The following image is of today’s edition of the SMH where the production powers-that-be decided to call what you can see below page 1. So hands, ready! Which of the descriptions below accurately reflect that decision?

Yes, the clown right up the front? Yes, well done! Once the decision to call this page PAGE ONE, that’s exactly what it became! By the centuries-old common laws of publishing it also inherited the other monikers of COVER PAGE and FRONT PAGE! And well done, also, to those who didn’t fall for the old PAGE THREE? tease.

Now hands at the ready again – and we apologise we can’t afford buzzers – here’s PAGE 3 of today’s edition that some of you “subs” worked on last night.

And it’s called? You up the back? That’s right! PAGE 3! What fucking else would you call it seeing THAT’S WHAT IT’S FUCKING WELL CALLED?!

We’ll also send to these “subs” a fridge magnet we had struck recently.

So it’s farewell from the MGH until those clowns at the Heralds fuck up again!

Oh, but before we go. The SMH subs working Thursday night on Friday’s edition were also faced with a Hardly Normal wraparound with two page-three yarns that spilled inside the book. And the clever-clogs of the sub/s who handled those stories had them originating on – get the champagne bottles ready – PAGE THREE! Perhaps stupidly, we feel our educational campaign has a pulse!

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