The personal physician of Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills says Australia’s beloved aristocrat remains under treatment after collapsing at a news conference at his family seat Pout House.

His Lordship had summoned media representatives to his sprawling estate with plans to berate them about his personal plan to resolve the current crisis gripping the Liberal and National parties in Canberra.

Reporters, photographers, and TV camera crews were first fumigated at Pout House’s back gate before being escorted to its east wing drawing room where Lord Downer was already ensconced and ready to dispense his unchallenged wisdom. (main picture)

“My plan – which I humbly term the Downer Plan … nay, the Brilliant Downer Plan – is to have my dear darling daughter, the Countess Lady Georgina, enter our national parliament as soon as possible and assume the leadership of my dear Liberal Party, uncontested of course,” he said.

“As even you repulsive, borderline sentient life forms in the noisome, woke, left-wing media would know, my dear daughter has selflessly offered herself previously as the saviour of the nation my family built single-handedly.

“But on each occasion she has been stymied by trivialities such as supposedly ‘failing’ to win sufficient so-called ‘votes’ at so-called ‘elections’,” he offered tearily.

“Of course nobody mentions the immense handicap my dear Georgina bravely faced – namely the need to win the support of the lower orders when she should have been automatically ensconced in a parliamentary seat purely by virtue of her family name and breeding.

“My plan – the Brilliant Downer Plan – casts all those hurdles aside by insisting she is given a seat without the need for any ‘election’. It also helps address the Liberal Party’s so-called ‘women’ problem – which I prefer to cast as its ladies problem – by continuing to have a woman, most importantly titled, as leader.

“Lady Georgina could immediately assume the position now held by that unfortunately lower-class Ssussan Ley and continue the grand tradition of visionary and innovative leadership I displayed as Liberal leader during what is termed ‘the Downer years’.”

At that point an impudent reporter breached longstanding Pout House media conference protocols by directing a question at His Lordship, asking: “Don’t you mean the Downer three-quarter year? After all Ssussan Ley has just exceeded your own time in office as opposition leader.”

The reporter was quickly ejected from the Pout House grounds, but the damage was done.

His Lordship swooned and collapsed at the remark, even before he could retrieve a vial of smelling salts from a laced cuff, and was rushed to his bedchamber by several semi-clad and well-oiled under-butlers standing guard between him and the media throng.

Lord Downer personal physician, Dr Pratt, (below) said he did not yet know the cause of the collapse.

“In the hours since his collapse I have taken the precaution of treating His Lordship with affusions, cataplasms, fomentations, and several tisanes,” Dr Pratt said.

“I have suggested to him that leeches may need to be applied, but His Lordship has insisted that I continue half-hourly botanical enemata which he seems to prefer.

“The exact cause of his collapse will not be known until I have the results from phlegm and rectal swab tests – the latter also being conducted half-hourly at His Lordship’s insistence,” Dr Pratt said.

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