DAVOS: Organisers of the World Economic Forum (WEF) in Switzerland say they are pleased with the new AI language-translation system they have used to ensure audiences fully understood US President Donald Trump’s speech at this year’s event.

“Since the 2025 gathering we have developed and installed an on-screen translation system that better explains what the President is saying,” a WEF spokesperson said.

“Last year there was great confusion in the Davos audience and among those viewing online when the President spoke. (top in main picture)

“The live sign-language translator we used was extremely professional and very experienced – don’t get me wrong – but even she could not adequately convey the President’s key messages.

“So in time for the President’s appearance yesterday we turned to AI and installed a new on-screen translator that leaves no room for any misunderstanding of his remarks.

“I’m not an AI expert so I can’t explain the technicalities, but basically it consists of a closed-circuit camera focussed on a slowly decaying, flyblown heap of rancid dog shit. (bottom in main picture)

“I’m pleased to say that everyone in the room yesterday said it worked a treat,” the WEF spokesperson said.

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Market research shows a huge and unprecedented majority of Australians are looking forward to tonight’s minute of silence in memory of those killed in the December terrorist attack at Bondi Beach.

A range of opinion pollsters contacted by The Bug said support for the minute of silence ranged from 95% to 99%, with the usual 3% margin of error.

“Us and all other pollsters have never before found such a high number of respondents giving the same reason for their support for a one-off event such as the minute’s silence,” one polling company representative told The Bug.

“Almost all respondents said they backed the minute’s silence because it meant that for the first time in history the Sky News Australia ‘after dark’ team would need ‘to shut the fuck up’ for at least 60 seconds. (below)

“All those polled said this opportunity comes along once in a lifetime and they all want to savour it even for just a brief moment,” the polling company representative said.

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CANBERRA: Deputy Prime Minister and Defence Minister, Richard Marles, has been spotted this morning in a supermarket in the leafy suburb of Belconnen with a trolley full of extra-strength large men’s Kimbies and a very obvious urine stain spreading over the crotch of his shorts.

An unembarrassed Mr Marles proudly told other shoppers he had been pissing himself with a “wonderful mixture of pride and delight” immediately after and ever since US President Donald Trump announced he was offering Australia a seat on his Board of Peace to fully restore the Gaza Strip in Israel.

“It will be the jew-el in the crown of world holiday destinations and luxury ocean-side residences,” Mr Marles sputtered in his unique style.

“And I do hope that disreputable news outlets don’t take a cheap shot by misreporting the word ‘jewel’ in my remarks – a dirty trick which I believe is now rightly regarded as an antisemitic offence under our just-passed hate speech laws.

“The President’s kind offer is a wonderful recognition of Australia’s important role in world affairs,” Marles mumbled semi-coherently as frantic shoppers responded to audible tinkles and ripped open several of their own Kimbies packets and offered them to him.

Marles thanked the other shoppers for their help, adding: “I don’t want to make a fool of myself in Parliament today” to which one bystander replied: “You’ll be avoiding Question Time then?”

Undeterred, Marles leaked: “Isn’t President Trump truly wonderful to launch this Board of Peace and to want us on board? And the ongoing cost after a free-offer period is only a billion dollars a year, to be held securely in a Trump Foundation safebox!

“That’s peanuts compared with what we’re paying for those AUKUS subs to keep China in its commie box – admittedly in a couple of decades, if all goes well!

“The President himself will chair the Board of Peace for nothing, knowing the sort of bloke he is,” he stuttered.

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MELBOURNE; A young man who repeatedly instigated the “Aussie! Aussie! Aussie! chant at the Australian Open at Melbourne Park yesterday has died in hospital overnight after being bashed senseless by tennis fans seated all around him.

Victorian Police have released a statement early this morning announcing a full investigation had now been completed, the matter was now officially closed and no action would be taken against those fans.

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