HEALTH MATTERS:

ADELAIDE: South Australian Premier Peter Malinauskas is resting uncomfortably here in the all-pink wing of the Don Dunstan Private Hospital after contracting one of the worst cases of moral equivalence local doctors have ever encountered.

Worse still, the specialists believe Malinauskas might never recover fully from the rampant bactertial disease that struck the Premier down with lightning speed and potency while talking to the media at the beginning of the week.

Said one on the condition of anonymity: “The major side-effect of the worst cases of moral equivalence is the stripping of large sections of barque, the keratine-like substance that surrounds and protects a person’s vital reputation organ. In politicians, it can be fatal.

“Peter may never again be regarded as the consummate politician with the uncanny ability to always see right from wrong and thus steer his state in the right direction at all times for all terribly thankful South Australians.”

“That’s probably the saddest, long-term effect of moral equivalence. A person’s reputation can only stand being stripped of so much barque. It’s like cirrhosis of the liver; once that final layer is breached, you’re fucked. “

At that media call, Malinauskas tried to explain why he was absolutely right in putting pressure on the Adelaide Writers Festival Week organisers to withdraw an offer to speak by strident Palestinian author Dr Randa Abdel‑Fattah. He later doubled down, saying he’d also oppose any invite for her to appear at the 2027 writers’ festival if it goes ahead.

The moral equivalence bacterium struck quickly as the Premier forced back sobs as he said: “Can you imagine that as premier of this state, I would actively support a far-right Zionist going to Writers’ Week and speaking hateful rhetoric towards Islamic people? Of course I wouldn’t.”

“The reverse is happening in this instance, and I’m not going to support that either.

“I think it’s a reasonable position for me to have, it’s a view that I believe.”

Dr Abdel‑Fattah is understood to have launched legal action against Malinauskas for that description of her, the clear inference being that she’s a far left-wing Muzzie fundo, bomb-vest wearing towel-head nutcase always spewing out hateful rhetoric about Jews. Like for like, like.

A nurse at the Don Dunstan Private Hospital, wearing overnight the traditional nurses outfit on the one shift a week they are not required to wear a far-too-tight hot-pink jumpsuit and bunny ears, told The Bug: “The Premier in moments of consciousness and clarity keeps saying that he can understand how some people could argue Israel’s reaction in flattening Gaza and killing hundreds of thousands of mainly innocent women and children might be a bit over the top but Hamas did rape babies and cut off their heads with blunt bayonets back in early October 2023 and besides Israel does have the right to defend itself.

“He mutters stuff like saying he doesn’t in his heart of hearts believe either side of the argument bests the other, as ‘each side is as good and bad as each other’.

“He then dozes off again, but not before mumbling that any anti-Israel comment could easily come under the umbrella of anti-Semitism and in the worst possible cases could warrant the death penalty under federal Labor’s looming anti-hate law reforms.

“To see him sobbing in his sleep when he’s not humming some of the hits from Fiddler on the Roof is very, very sad indeed and I’m not even a Labor voter.”

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