Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills says he is offering to help alleviate the national homelessness crisis during the coming festive season.

His Lordship called media representatives to his family seat of Pout House to announce his initiative that leverages a longstanding Downer family tradition in the interests of helping take homeless people off the streets.

After undergoing fumigation and cavity searches, reporters, photographers, and TV camera operators were escorted by an under-butler to an area off the carriageway to Pout House not far from its rounders field.

Arriving in a sedan chair tastefully adorned with tinsel, Lord Downer alighted and drew a lace kerchief from his sleeve and used it to mop sweat from the muscled and glistening torsos of each of the four strapping young Pout House stable hands carrying the conveyance, all naked save for toy reindeer masks replete with antlers covering their loins.

His task took somewhat longer than expected as His Lordship insisted on dabbing every inch of the youths several times.

Finally, he began his remarks and drew attention to the large Christmas tree standing adjacent the carriageway.

“Once again I have insisted, despite so-called ‘workplace health and safety rules’ to install a living angel atop our family Christmas tree,” Lord Downer said while pointing his ivory-capped swagger stick to the top of the tree where a small and badly sunburned scullery maid was strapped. (main picture)

“This is a practice started by my dear great, great, grandpapa and continued down each generation of Downers.

“In years past, as you would be aware, each of the living angels we have selected from among our under-stairs staff has spent the duration of the festive season – from mid-December to the end of the first week of January decorating our Christmas tree and providing endless entertainment to us and our visitors with their prayers, pleadings, and occasional tearful wails since by tradition they receive no solid or liquid sustenance of any kind once hoisted atop the tree.

“On occasions an angel has not survived the duration of their duty but I believe that is a small price to pay for continuing an important festive ritual. Besides, their families are well compensated by receiving a parchment personally signed by me thanking their late relative for their service.”

Lord Downer then went on to explain his plan to help ease the housing crisis over Christmas-New Year.

“For this festive season I have decreed that any homeless individual from the Adelaide Hills environs or beyond can apply to perform the duty of living angel for a period of 24 hours.

“This, I firmly believe, will take them of our streets and will give them purposeful work for at least one day – an experience I hope will lead to them mending their ways by showing them their folly in remaining poor,” he declared.

Lord Downer said anyone interested in applying to be a living angel should line up at the rear gates of Pout House “out of sight of their betters”.

He then invited media representatives to join him in the Pout House library for Christmas gift-giving.

“I certainly hope the gifts you are all going to give me are of a standard adequate to the unique and selfless services I have undertaken throughout the year for our great state and nation,” His Lordship said.

“As usual you all will receive no presents from me as being in my presence is gift enough.”

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