The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

How can a root be a dud one if you’re receiving great head during that sex session?

It’s a question we’ve asked our world-renowned sexologist Doctor Dick to ponder and his advice is at the end of this column.

But that’s not the reason for this particular Mediocre Bytes column. Over The Bug’s long and non-profitable journey from a printed newspaper for many years since 1989 to solely online this past half-decade or so, we’ve often shared with our reader how to recognise the quality of a media headline.

Good subs don’t just fix up a reporter’s copy and sometimes add in their own mitakes in the proces. Giving good or even great headings is every competent sub’s aim which is why good/great headline writing has its own Walkley category.

Over our long journey we’ve explained that headings can be standard fare. Sharks bites surfer in two pretty well sums up a story and the poor bastard’s chance of survival. We then have the clever heading. A smart play on words; a pun exploited, a saying distorted, a song lyric twisted. And then we have the too-smart-by-half heading that some tired sub late in a shift thought reflected their genius as a wordsmith but did anything but.

So we turn to our main image (at top and below) and seek our reader’s input into whether we need a new category; one smutty enough to make a mockery of any publisher’s claim that their product is not a tabloid but a “quality compact”.

Dud roots and great head indeed! So let’s have a quick poll! If you think this approach is bloody awful and infantile, press W on your computer or phone. If you think it’s okay, good for a laugh and there should be a double dose of doubley entendrement more often in our mainstream mediocre, then press Q twice.

And with his take, here’s Doctor Dick!

DOCTOR DICK SAYS: Any horizontal folkdancing session that involves the expert polishing of a bellend or the application of a solid session of yodelling-up-the-valley/dining at the Y/Fifty lashes with the Robert Young of a sheila’s rudimentary bellend, that darling little bud of a pearl atop her bearded clam, can never be regarded as a dud root. Everyone should know that if they want to get a head.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com