Ted O’Brien rushed to hospital

CANBERRA: Shadow Treasurer, Ted O’Brien, has been rushed to hospital after severely injuring himself during a speech today at the National Press Club (NPC).

In an appearance billed as a pitch to young Australians, the deputy leader of the federal Liberal Party and Queensland MP (main picture) outlined plans for tax cuts a future coalition government would implement to assist young Australians who were currently impacted by “bracket creep” which forced them to pay more tax as their incomes grew and placed them in higher tax brackets.

Mr O’Brien entered the NPC on his personal skateboard and performed an inward heelflip, a gazelle spin, followed by a 360 ollie heelflip, then a tailblock grind.

Finding it hard going on the carpeted floor, Mr O’Brien stumbled slightly while attempting a gingersnap before executing a boardslide on the edge of the dais.

He then delivered his entire speech in rap style holding the microphone close to his lips while performing hip-hop style hand signs with his free hand to emphasise specific points in his tax plan.

While most of the speech was written and delivered using gang-style street slang, a translation was provided by Mr O’Brien’s office to media representatives present.

In his remarks Mr O’Brien said the coalition wanted to give hope to young people whom he said appeared to be obsessed with non-existent climate change.

Their focus, he said, should be on how to pay as little tax as possible even if it meant a future coalition government having to wildly slash taxpayer-funded services and jack up user-pay programs such as tertiary education HECS debts to pay for new coal-fired or nuclear power plants which the private sector didn’t want to fund.

Negative gearing of investment properties and retention of franking credits, he rapped, would be sacrosanct under an Liberal-National federal government.

Otherwise, he asked, how could people like his party leader Ssussan Ley afford to buy her principle residence in Albury along with two investment properties in the same town plus one on the Gold Coast?

Mr O’Brien then stopped speaking with the intention of punctuating his presentation with a display of his breaking skills.

However, the NPC’s carpet once again proved problematic and during what he announced to be his “b-boy’s tribute to Raygun”, Mr O’Brien attempted a headspin but screamed out in pain and slumped to the floor mid-spin.

A doctor attending the NPC lunch rushed to his aid and called an ambulance before using Mr O’Brien’s own skateboard and several table napkins to stabilise and immobilise his head and neck.

The ambulance took Mr O’Brien to Canberra Hospital where a spokesperson said his condition would not be known until x-rays, an MRI, and other tests had been completed.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com