WORLD EXCLUSIVE!
In a world first, The Bug can reveal that US President Donald Trump is set to publish the follow-up tome (above) to his international best-seller from late 1987.
Our Washington bureau understands that President Trump, with other merc sales going so well through his online Trump Store run by the Trump Organisation, the for-profit body that channels those sales into the Trump family’s offshore bank accounts, had decided not to release the new book until just before his Third-Term inauguration in January 2029.
But his recent success on the international stage, particularly his key role in solving eight wars in as many months, and with the US economy going gangbusters as zillions of dollars in tariffs pour into the US treasury coffers and Americans have never been better off with living costs plummeting, as reflected by his record popularity rating in all the major polls, he was convinced by his financial advisers to rush out Even More Arts of The Deal.
And The Bug is very, very proud to be able to share with its reader just a small exclusive extract, written for President Trump only recently, and which features towards the end of the book.
So there I was in that long video chat with President Putin and, boy oh boyo, didn’t all the people around him look shitscared. I really like that about how President Putin and Chinese President Xi Jumpingpin (sic) garner loyalty and stay clear of high-rise windows in Putin’s case and if only my own cabinet could act with the same deference and outright fear! Here’s how that chat went as I neared the 10-wars-solved-by-me mark and the Nobel committee rued even more its decision not to award me the first of many highly earned Peace Prize honours, each one far more worthy than the gong they gave overseas-born Muslim Barking-mad Bin Obama.
Me: Mr President, I appreciate that little cunt started this war and you’re obviously going to eventually wipe the floor with him and deserve a helluva chunk if not all of Ukraine considering all the troops and World War 2 tanks you’ve lost but would you mind terribly if I sold Zelenskyy some Tomahawk missiles just to give the appearance of evening things up a bit before that happens? We’ll make European countries pay top dollar for them and there’d be the usual nice little kickback sweetener for you of course.
President Putin: Yes I would mind! Very much, Donald; you won’t be doing that!
Me: Please, sir, hear me out. We’ve got countless Tomahawks stored all over the place and it’s going to cost a helluva lot to decommission hundreds that are nearing their use-by-dates. You can share in those savings too. And these missiles have a lot of Chinese components and we can certainly make sure with Xi’s help that these missiles do as little damage as possible. Could even be turned around and take out that little cunt.
President Putin: Tempting …. but you won’t be doing that, Donald.
Me: How about a pallet or two of US gold bars to give your Villa Segren retreat on Lodovhny Island a real touch of class?
President Putin: Once again tempting …. but no. You take real care now, Donald.
Me face to face with Volodymyr Zelenskyy in the White House a day or so later: Our Tomahawk missiles are world-leading but we haven’t got many of them. So, sorry, but we need every last one for our own defences or maybe to use on Venuzvela. I’m sure you’ll appreciate and understand that, regardless of what I might have offered the other day. And thanks for dressing properly this time. I really appreciate that show of respect. And please sit up straight and try to look like you’re shitting your pants when you’re in the presence of a stable genius peace-maker in charge of the world’s greatest and most powerful military EV-A!
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