… but you’ve got to survive the last month of Spring first!

But you will, of course, if you always follow the wise advice of The Bug‘s very own, internationally renowned, never-been-wrong, soothsayer Kisma Aryias.

Here are his new predictions to keep you safe and well during November although Kisma gives no guarantees – and never has – as to his predictions for November 31.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You lie awake in bed all night wondering how Prince Andrew could be stripped of style when he’s never shown any his entire life. 

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Although he’s not on your side of politics, you still wish Anthony Albanese a quick recovery upon hearing the news that he’s been pulled unconscious in South Korea from Donald Trump’s arse.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You couldn’t help bursting out laughing after reading this strap at the bottom of the ABC’s News Breakfast program earlier in the week.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You seek details of V.D Chance’s upcoming standup dates, venues and times after hearing the US Vice President admit that Hamas might have some trouble locating the remaining dead hostages seeing they could very well be buried under countless millions of tonnes of concrete rubble caused by Hamas throughout what used to be the Gaza Strip.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You are not at all surprised to hear that various speeches by Foreign Minister Penny Wong calling for a two-state-solution as the only answer to the decades-long Israel/Gaza/West Bank conflict have been cobbled together as a book that’s now a hot favourite to win the international Booker prize for fiction as a Eurovision-style offer for a Down Under entry in the award normally restricted to Britain/Ireland authors.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You remain deeply hurt by your neighbours’ hostile reaction to your decision to turn your garden hose on the Halloween kids who came to your door on Friday night. You were, after all, clearly given a trick or treat option so why should that be a big deal?

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You are glad that King Charles and Queen Camilla have cast Andrew aside so that the Royal Family can quickly repair the damage the Windsor Sausage has caused to The Firm and reestablish itself as a modern 21st Century institution with a razor-like focus on the needs and aspirations of the average British citizen.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You ring various online betting agencies to see what juicy odds they might offer for Sussssan Ley still being Opposition Leader at the next federal election and are invariably met with prolonged and insane-level, cackling, laughter.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

Opposition Leader Sussssan Ley has slammed Prime Minister Anthony Albanese for wearing a plain white T-shirt clearly meant to score political points by focussssing on the Opposition’s sssuite of voter-pleasssing policies aimed at restoring the LNP to power in 2028.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You still feel fairly confident that you’ll have a little flutter on the Melbourne Cup on Tuesday despite the fact that your pick last year has just now passed the finishing post at Flemington.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You can’t believe your luck when walking down a dimly lit laneway late at night yet armed with a 3.5kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you came face to face with the person who thought up The Golden Bachelor concept as the latest TV “reality” show.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You lie awake in bed all night staring at the ceiling and fretting over the possibility that you’re the only person in the nation who really thinks the AUKUS nuclear-submarine plan makes sense and is good for Australia.

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