Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy made another visit to the White House this weekend to try to convince US President Donald Trump to supply long-range Tomahawk missiles against Russia to held end the biggest European war since World War II.

Despite Zelenskyy’s special effort to impress Trump and not repeat his previous mistake of arriving in his trademark battle fatigues, (main picture) the Ukraine leader left empty handed.

The Bug has obtained a key extract from a transcript of the meeting which we reproduce below.

 

Volodymyr Zelenskyy (VZ): Mr President, we need the Tomahawk long-range missiles. We need them now, and many of them. Dozens, if not hundreds.

Donald Trump (DT): Well, Voldomort I don’t know about that. I’ve gotta be careful. America might need those missiles at any time so I just can’t give them or any other weapons away at the drop of a hat.

VZ: We can offer a good deal to you – missiles for us and we send you our drones. Hundreds of them.

DT: Well, you know I was talking to someone the other day. You could call him a bit of an expert on this war of yours. Not as big an expert as I am.

VZ: Of course. You are after all a stable genius. (Suppresses involuntary retching) Well deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize. Dozens in fact. (Muffled vomiting)

DT: Indeed. But, you know, this other person who knows a lot about your war said if I gave you those missiles it would only complicate things right now. Maybe even destroy any chance we got at peace. 

VZ: This expert. It’s Putin, right?

DT: Well Volvodoor I promised him I wouldn’t name him.

VZ: What the fu…

(President Trump’s mobile phone rings)

DT: Oh, Bibi’s calling me. I’ll just put him on speakerphone.

Benjamin Netanyahu (BN): Can you hear me?

DT: Loud and clear Bibi.

BN: Thank you Mr President for taking my call.

DT: How are you Bibi?

BN: Much better for talking to the greatest peacemaker in world history.

DT: Well, thank you Bibi. So true. So true.

BN: You are after all a stable genius. Well deserving of a Nobel Peace Prize. Dozens in fact.

DT: So true. So true.

BN: … a living saint, a genuine king of kings whose vision and efforts for peace will ….

(President Zelenskyy coughs loudly)

DT: Bibi. Bibi. I’m a little tied up here in a meeting. Is there something you need?

BN: My apologies Your Majesty. I just need some more US weapons to use in Gaza. What I need right now is….

DT: No need to go into details Bibi. Whatever you want you’ll get. Just call Pete Hegseth and he’ll sort it out. Pronto.

BN: Thank you Mr President.

DT: There’s just one condition Bibi.

BN: What’s that.

DT: We’ve got a ceasefire going in Gaza as you know. A Nobel Prize or several depend on it. So I don’t want you using our weapons against people there. You understand?

BN: Absolutely Mr President. I have never used any weapons in Gaza against anything I regard as people.

DT: Okay then. Fine by me. Now Bibi, I gotta go so you hang up.

BN: No, you hang up.

DT: No, you hang up.

BN: No, you hang up.

(30 minutes elapse)

DT: No, you hang up.

BN: No, you hang up.

(President Zelenskyy coughs loudly)

DT: Oh, Vulvafur! You still here?

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