This rant is directed specifically to you BUGgers out there who are convinced – as perhaps you should be seeing just about all our world’s leaders clearly are – that this latest Israel/Hamas peace plan is the real deal!

That it clearly indicates that permanent Middle East harmony and tranquility between religions is finally on its way and Donald Trump has been cruelly denied the first of many Nobel peace prizes as US president to start with and down the track as King Donald the First of the US monarchal dictatorship.

So … please … hands in the air if you believe all this to be true. Because, boy oh boy, have I got an offer or two for you!

I’ve mentioned before that I’ve got a breeding pair of fairies I caught at the bottom of the garden recently and they’re for sale to all of you crazy, hopeful, darling people! Your faith in human nature is truly commendable. You’d also know I’ve been an historic bridge collector for much of my life and the cost of storing them on acreage up at that place towards the Sunshine Coast with all the weatherboard homes is getting ridiculous.

So, keep you hands up if you believe….

1. That the million or so surviving north Gazans are really being allowed to throw their tattered tents and meagre possessions into their donkey carts and return permanently to Gaza City and other northern areas to view where their homes used to be.

2. That Israeli Defence Force people, now behind a containment line to the strip’s east with their weapons made safe and flowers sticking out of tank gun turrets will wish them well. Perhaps a tank commander will yell the sincerest of apologies for firing at these Gazans who jumped the starting gun, so to speak, and hobbled north too early.

Have I fully explained the beauty of my pair of fairies and that they are proven breeders?

3. You appreciate that troubles are not yet over for all these Gazans walking north on legs if they still have them because north Gaza will be an entire construction zone as international companies – Bibi and Sons Builders and Trump and Family Top-Notch Tourist Tower Developers Inc. commence the decades-long task of rebuilding their high-rise units for them to one day return to as proud citizens of the Palestine State. We all know that construction sites can be dangerous places but at least all these million-plus northern Gazans should be safe even if their new demountable homes with water and power attached have to be moved around a bit. And at least they’ll be safe and warm in the months ahead with plenty of food and health care as they await their permanent new homes.

How about the original London Bridge, hey? One of my favourites and my first purchase. For those with your hands still up, it’s not as pricey as you might think. It’s still in pretty good shape; those Romans knew how to build things to last. And for anyone around the area, once council project approval was given, what an amazing tourist bridge it would make across the Pumicestone Passage between the mainland and Bribie Island. Not far to move it!

Now, where were we?

4. Those with your hands still up, you obviously have no problems with the 20-point peace plan being trashed out without the input of Hamas. And fair enough too, seeing Australia with a few other countries have prescribed it as a terrorist organisation hellbent on the destruction of Israel. Sort of like how Israel has steadfastedly espoused the total elimination of the low-life sub-human animals that currently inhabit the Gaza strip and the ever-shrinking, blink-or-you-might-miss-it West Bank but I guess that’s not important right now.

5. You also seem happy to dismiss or ignore the point that Netanyahu and Trump only just recently once again urged Gazans to fuck right off, with or without $1000 US, in order to achieve the aim of a Greater Israel for the former and a quick start by the later as Trump-associated companies rush ahead with plans for a Middle East Riviera tourist mecca.

Okay, the old London Bridge relocation could be pricey, so how about the historic convict-built Richmond Bridge just north of Hobart?

Okay, back to the basic hurdles confronting this brilliant peace plan on the ground in Gaza.

6. That there’s no promise from Netanyahu and his Zionist cabinet that the IDF will completely roll out of Gaza even if and when Hamas throws down its 303s and world-war-two surplus grenades.

7. Or how this multi-country, multi-faith, rebuilding, cashed-up, transitional body – this Board of Peace chaired by Trump – will resolve other outstanding sticking points before a Palestinian body, as long as it behaves itself, resumes control of a supposedly Palestinian enclave or what most of the world wants to call it – a recognised Palestinian state – you know, the thing that Netanyahu and his genocidal Zionist cronies have been implacably opposed for yonks. That’s Yiddish for a bloody long time.

Right, for those with your hands still up, we applaud once more your faith in the human condition. And we assume a pair of breeding garden fairies or some fine historic bridges simply aren’t your thing?

Then how about a week-long visit to Santa’s toy factory at the North Pole – air fares included – to watch the elves at work in the hectic weeks up to Christmas? Or better still, fancy joining some of the world’s greatest researchers – both medical and psychological experts – as they strive to find just a skerrick – a faint residual whiff – of any basic trait of basic human decency that might, once a long time ago, have been detectable in Trump’s bloated orange body, mind and soul.

Too technical? Got an old car you want to put on blocks? We’ll send one lucky winner 16 copies of Tony Abbott’s latest novel. That should be plenty and won’t cost as much seeing it’s already in remainder bins at quality book stores around the country for between $5 and “make us an offer”.

Until next time …. wait! Hold on! Is that you out there with your hand still up, Anthony Albanese. You absolute knob. Put it down right fucking now!

Don Gordon-Brown

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