Two of the finest left-centralist political leaders the world has ever know remain in hospital days after suffering almost identical injuries 17,000 kilometres apart.

They are working-class champions and fierce defenders of the downtrodden and victimised, UK Labour Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer (above, not really all that left) and Australian Labor PM Anthony Albanese (above, more right than you might think).

Both men badly tore both hamstrings as they rushed to a lectern several days ago to fully endorse US President Donald Trump’s 20-point plan for lasting peace in the Middle East.

Both men were understood to be rushing to stay well ahead of policy advisers pleading with them to at least read the 20 points before giving the plan and Trump‘s push for a Nobel peace prize their unqualified support.

One could be heard yelling at Starmer as he exited the door of Number 10 “This plan totally ignores the right of Palestinians to live in their own ancestral lands and to govern themselves free and unencumbered as required by international law”.

Starmer stumbled and screamed horribly as both hammies ruptured but pluckily made it to the lectern in Downing Street to address the British media.

On the other side of the world, Anthony Albanese was also at a gallop as he made his way to the prime minister’s garden with advisers hot on his heels waving copies of the 20-point plan and one screaming: “This is a Trump-Netanyahu stitch-up with no mention of a two-state solution that both men totally oppose anyway”.

Albanese had to crawl the final 15 metres to his microphone after both hammies audibly tore and several gallery members vomited, possibly because of that.

Towards the end of their respective speeches and just before ambulances carted them off, both PMs donned yarmulkes, made several key points in Yiddish and said “Oy Vey” a number of times, especially when mentioning terrorist organisation Hamas.

They both finished up by deploring the spread of anti-semitism around the world which had absolutely nothing to do with the 60,000 confirmed deaths of Gazan citizens these past two years at the hands of the Israel Defence Force and anyone who suggested such an implausible link should be well and truly ashamed of themselves.

UPDATE: Spokespersons for the Harold Wilson Private Hospital in inner-London and the Ben
Chiefly Light on the Hill Hospice for True Believers in leafy Manuka in the Australian capital say both Starmer and Albanese are healing well and could possibly be discharged by day’s end.

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