In a shock move the Brisbane Bolts have sacked one of their top ranked players just hours before facing the Melbourne Masturbators in the JDG grand final at the Chop Chop Illicit Tobacco Stadium in Sydney.

It was revealed this morning that its recently recruited left off-flank rear bunkler, Grey “Lily” White (left in main picture), will not take to the field for the Bolts this afternoon after having his contract torn up.

His place will be taken by Richard “Big Dick” Dick (right in main picture) who was late last night granted parole in an emergency Parole Board hearing requested by the Bolts, enabling him to fly to Sydney overnight.

Dick has been serving a three-year sentence at the Woodford Correction Centre north of Brisbane after being convicted in 2024 of high-range drink driving, possession of cocaine, and sexually assaulting roadkill.

A statement issued by the club in Brisbane gave no explanation for White’s sacking and the grand final line-up change but a source within the Bolts hierarchy said: “Unfortunately White has never really fitted in with his fellow Bolts since arriving in Brisbane from the very lowly ranked Tasmanian JDG franchise, the Burnie Blands.”

This view was confirmed by CEO of the Bolts, Terry Verandah, when reporters tracked him down in the early hours of this morning entering an inner-western Sydney brothel.

“I never wanted to buy White from the Blands in the first fucking place,” Verandah screeched at reporters while wildly swinging a car wheel brace to clear his path to the brothel’s door.

“The little shit never made an effort once he arrived in Brisbane with his wife and two brats.

“He hasn’t taken any drugs – not even a line or two of the devil’s dandruff – and he’s refused point-blank to get any tatts.

“As far as I’m concerned nobody should take the field in a Bolts’ jersey without a neck tatt or two at bare minimum.

“He’s never socialised with his fellow Bolts. Never got legless cheated on his missus, or got behind the wheel pissed, or gone out for a meal with other players and groped waitresses or perfect strangers, let alone shared a spitroast.

“Good riddance as far as I’m concerned,” Verandah said as he disappeared into the brothel.

When asked to comment on the suitability of Dickens as a member of the club’s grand final team, given his previous offences, head coach of the Bolts, Jack Saunders, said: “It was just a bit of hi-jinks – just some good natured horseplay.”

In another change to today’s grand final, a JDG spokesperson confirmed that Sean “Diddy” Combs would not be providing half-time entertainment as previously advised.

“Mr Diddy has been unfortunately held up by some legal issues in the US, but we have a substitute act to keep the crowd entertained,” the spokesperson said.

“For that we’d like to thank the CEO of the Bolts, Terry Verandah, for organising a troupe of what he says are highly skilled exotic dancers. We also thank him for sourcing the ping pong balls they’ll need.”

DISCLAIMER: The Bug is an official sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.

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