LOS ANGELES, CA: It’s been revealed that noted primatologist Jane Goodall who has died in California while on a speaking tour was also in America to study a new species of primate.

The 91-year-old Ms Goodall is understood to have been undertaking highly confidential field work into a recently evolved primate. (main picture)

“Unlike her early-career ground-breaking research that revealed previously unknown levels of intelligence in primates including their use of tools, and their organised and respectful interactions within social groupings, Jane’s new project was examining a species that is the exact opposite,” a source familiar with her research said.

“She had been tracking and analysing a large, even morbidly obese, primate similar to an orangutan but far more orange in colouring that has almost zero intelligence, no social skills, and constantly displays a highly malignant personality.

“Jane’s death puts an end to her research but, sadly, this new species seems to be flourishing,” the source said.

What could be Ms Goodall’s final legacy was her work on creating just the right scientific name for this species and while she wasn’t entirely satisfied with it, the orangemaximus deranged-utan obesius smellsalotal was a fairly accurate one she was leaning toward.

***

CHARLOTTESVILLE, VA: A team of entomologists from the University of Virginia are celebrating the creation of a significant new audio data base that they say will help accelerate their research.

Senior entomologist in the university’s Faculty of Biological Sciences, Professor Chris Alis, (below) who specialises in analysing insect noises said his specialised research team had this week managed to record the clearest sound of crickets chirping.

“We have previously been forced to use very, very expensive sound-proof studios to record cricket sounds and these experiments have achieved mixed results.

“But earlier this week we set up microphones at the auditorium of the nearby US Army base at Quantico and recorded the addresses to senior military leaders by President Donald Trump and Defence Secretary, Pete Hegseth.

“When each of them paused their remarks and waited for a reaction from their audience our microphones were able to pick up what we believe is the purest recording of crickets ever made anywhere in the world.

“This recording will be vital not just for our research but for entomologists around the world because chirping and other sounds made by crickets are key to understanding their mating practices and other interactions,” Professor Alis said.  

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com