WASHINGTON, DC: US President Donald Trump has made startling admissions in front of America’s top military brass about some of his recent decisions.

Mr Trump spoke to hundreds of the nation’s most senior officers at a meeting called by Defence Secretary, Pete Hegseth, who laid out his views on the type of leaders and leadership he expected of the US military.

Mr Hegseth said woke concepts of diversity, equity, and inclusion in military recruitment and administration no longer applied and he also did not want to see any “fat soldiers” or “fat generals” in the corridors of the Pentagon.

Immediately following Mr Hegseth’s speech, President Trump waddled on stage, one tiny hand nervously patting behind his back to make sure his diaper wasn’t too full, and spoke to the assembled military leaders as their Commander-in-Chief. (main picture)

After pausing to gather his breath after slowly dragging his bloated, flabby, speckled but heavily spray-tanned carcass to the lectern, Mr Trump said he backed Mr Hegseth’s plans.

But in the trademark rambling three-hour speech that followed, the President admitted to making some mistaken decisions in recent days based on poor hearing or maybe just a simple misunderstanding.

“After Pete [Hegseth] spoke to me I recently agreed to change the name of the Department of Defence to the War Department, although I actually thought he was saying Whore Department,” Mr Trump confessed.

“Then just the other day someone came to the Ovary (sic) Office and asked me to save what I thought they said was Tit Tok, which I was more than pleased to do.

“And let me tell you, I’m very disappointed that the roving ICE teams that are abducting people off our streets and sending them back to their homelands are nothing like the snatch squads I thought I heard mentioned.”

Mr Trump ended his speech by circling back to Mr Hegseth’s directives and backing his stand to improve grooming standards in military ranks.

“The era of unprofessional appearance is over. No more beardos,” Mr Hegseth had said.

President Trump said he supported Mr Hegseth’s stand on no more LGBTIOU (sic) weirdos with facial hair.

“I didn’t at first because I thought Pete wanted to outlaw grooming – something I know a lot about after all the time I spent with my good pal Jeffrey Epstein,” Mr Trump said.

“But now I know he means getting rid of weirdos, I’m right on board,” he said.

As he spoke, Vice-President JD Vance, whose speech was to follow Mr Trump’s, left the auditorium quickly, fearing he might receive the same response, generally, that Trump and Hegseth had received from those in the star-studded audience who were still awake.

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