Where on earth did the first month of Spring go? Regardless, the fact that you are reading this suggests you’re still with us which clearly shows you always follow the wise advice of The Bug‘s very own, internationally renowned, never-been-wrong, soothsayer Kisma Aryias.

Here are his new predictions to keep you safe and well during the month of October.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You make a fortune from US political junkies across Australia who are fans of ABC TV’s Planet America and its various spin-offs when you invent an app that purchasers can download to substitute John Barron both in vision and voice whenever his co-host Chas Licciardello begins to open his mouth.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

In an effort to disembark quickly at your destination airport you leap from your seat and retrieve your carry-on baggage from the overhead locker then selfishly stand there blocking the aisle until the doors are opened which really pisses off other passengers and the cabin crew because your plane had taken off just a few moments before and is still climbing. 

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

To be perfectly honest, you really wonder why it’s taken Nicole Kidman 19 years to file for divorce as Hollywood gossip magazines for some years had been reporting her oft-made and bitter comments that Keith Urban “had come up short as the ideal husband”.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You wisely keep to yourself your rather dark thoughts on how a 22-year-old got her own live Sky News program in the first place but to be fair, you also consider the possibility she simply put out … for consideration an excellent CV. Now can you see why you were wise to keep this to yourself?

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You are embarrassed when staff at your overnight hotel call an ambulance after you faint in shock when the conveyor toaster at the buffet breakfast bar delivers you two golden brown slices on the first go-through.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

Nurses at your local hospital say you are recovering well after collapsing with shock when you found a Bunnings staffer who could tell you what aisle you needed for the Chinese-made item you wished to purchase.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You are not at all surprised to hear the news that Donald Trump has given the Nobel committee three to four days to award him the Nobel peace prize for his 20-point Gaza peace plan.
Otherwise “it might be a very sad end”.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You are still slightly embarrassed for thinking the bloke playing the didgeridoo at the AFL grand final was Snoop Dogg and that he wasn’t anywhere near as bad as you expected.  

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You lie awake in bed wondering if you’re the only person in Australia who wouldn’t risk giving even a lowly paid job handing out paper towels in a sleezy men’s club dunny to either Tony Blair or Donald Trump yet both might have key roles in rebuilding the genocide-stricken wasteland that used to be the Gaza Strip.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You wonder if the rumour is true that the AFL only turned to US rapper Snoop Dogg for last Saturday’s grand final when they found out that the Rick and Thel Carey Tribute Band was already booked elsewhere.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You totally understand why bookies have slashed the Melbourne Storm’s odds of winning Sunday’s NRL grand final to 5-1 on after someone cruelly spread a rumour that the Brisbane Broncos had appointed former coach Kevin Walters as kicking tactics expert for the Olympic stadium decider.  

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You can’t believe your luck when walking down a dimly lit laneway late at night yet armed with a 3.5kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat, you came face to face with the marketing guru who first pushed the theory that every TV commercial needs a splash of so-called humour to be effective. Better still, right behind him is Russel Howcroft.

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