NEW YORK, NY: US President Donald Trump has just completed a five-hour speech to the United Nations’ general assembly.

Mr Trump spent most of his speech talking up his own diplomatic brilliance in settling numerous wars each of which he said deserved a Nobel Prize, and his self-described superiority as a manager of the US and world economies by the imposition of heavy trade tariffs on “shithole nations”.

He also did not hold back in berating UN member nations over the decision by some to support Palestinian statehood, attacked the concept of climate change as a “con job”, and lambasted European nations for their supposed lax immigration policies.

“You cunts….,” he said without the help of an autocue before correcting himself. “Your countries are going to hell,” he told them.

To underline his criticisms Mr Trump threw a barrage of fresh human faeces at some delegations while dancing to the YMCA song by the Village People. (main picture).

UN observers said they believed the President’s speech was the most coherent and statesmanlike presentation they had ever seen him deliver.

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WASHINGTON DC: US Health Secretary, Robert F Kennedy Junior, says he and his brain worm have initiated urgent research into two more medical conditions following the announcement by US President Donald Trump of a link between the use of paracetamol by pregnant women with the birth of autistic children.

Mr Kennedy said the new research into two debilitating physical conditions was being conducted on the orders of President Trump. (below)

“The President wants this research done urgently because – and I’m sure he won’t mind me saying – he suffers from the two conditions we’ll be researching,” Mr Kennedy said while declining to specify the ailments.

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CANBERRA: After splitting with the Albanese Government by writing to US Republicans disowning Australia’s recognition of a Palestinian state, Opposition Leader, Ssussan Ley, has welcomed news of an October meeting between US President Donald Trump and Prime Minister Anthony Albanese.

“This is good news indeed,” Mss Ley said. “For months now the Opposition has been critical of the PM for his failure to secure a meeting with the President.

“But now we can flip from that attack and resume our criticism of ‘Airbus Albo’ when he jumps on the RAAF VIP jet come October.”

Meanwhile, a range of federal MPs including Greens and some cross-bench and Labor members have signed their own letter to the US Republicans who have threatened retaliatory action for the government’s recognition of a Palestinian state.

The brief letter tells the US politicians: “Go fuck yourselves.”

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CANBERRA: News of a face-to-face meeting between Prime Minister Anthony Albanese and US President Donald Trump has prompted the Prime Minister’s Office (PMO) to begin preparations for the encounter.

The Bug understands that the PMO’s preparations will include mock meetings enabling Mr Albanese to rehearse potential conversations with a stand-in playing President Trump.

The fake meetings will allow Mr Albanese to prepare counter arguments on sensitive issues on which the two leaders may disagree such as recognition of a Palestinian state.

Confirmation of the use a presidential stand-in for the rehearsals came when a reporter from The Bug’s Parliament House bureau saw the PMO take delivery of two short planks yesterday.

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