SUCCESSION:

NEW YORK: With the Murdoch family’s internal legal battle settled this week, steps have already been taken to ensure Lachlan Murdoch can continue leading its media outlets in the same manner as his father Rupert has done.

A high-level source within the US-headquartered News Corp organisation said Lachlan was currently undergoing a barrage of extensive therapeutic medical treatments to make him fit for the job of leading the family’s global media businesses now that his siblings have been removed from consideration.

“The treatments are designed to ensure that Lachlan is fighting fit to carry on implementing his father’s vision if or when Rupert dies – and it’s a big ‘if’ given that he’s already, what 114?” the source who did not wish to be sacked said.

“Currently Lachlan is having a series of blood transfusions to replenish and replace his own metabolism. (main picture)

“But it’s not just any blood that’s being pumped into his veins. It’s blood mixed to a special formula.

“The doctors don’t use regular blood from a blood bank. Oh no, they need to know it’s the right… I mean the Right type of blood.

“They’ve been in the labs blending bags and bags of the stuff containing some of Rupert’s blood as well as some donated by Fox News hosts and even some flown to the US from Australia after being donated by all of the Sky News ‘after dark’ team.

“But a special secret ingredient is some biometric material grown in a laboratory like fake meat and designed to mimic the more malignant parts of US President Donald Trump’s DNA which, let’s face it, is all of it.

“The doctors need to put on hazmat suits and stick the bubbling, smoking, toxic lumps of Trump-like flesh into a lab blender and that liquid then goes into the transfusion packs.”

The source said Lachlan Murdoch’s reaction to the transfusions was being monitored to ensure they were not rejected by his body.

“The results are already showing very positive results,” he said. “Lachlan’s starting to look just like the fresh new leader News needs to take it into the 22^nd century. (below)

“Once the transfusions are completed the doctors will proceed to the next stages of the leadership transition process which involves removing Lachlan’s left eye entirely,” the source said.

“After that, to guarantee the continuation of Rupert-style leadership at News Corp, Lachlan will be forced to divorce his current wife – the still stunning looking ex-model Sarah – and marry a series of women who are at least 60 years old,” the source said.

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