CANBERRA: Federal Opposition Leader, Ssussan Ley, has rejected suggestions that she is overdoing her apologies to the Indian community following derogatory remarks by former Liberal Party frontbencher, NT Senator Jacinta Nampijinpa Price.

Addressing a news conference outside Parliament House this morning (main picture), Mss Ley said she would continue her visits to Indian communities in her efforts to repair links and reach out to Indian voters after sacking Senator Price for not expressing confidence in her as leader.

“I acknowledge that some in the Opposition ranks think I’ve already gone too far in trying to rebuild bridges with Indian Australians,” Mss Ley said.

“But as they say: you ain’t seen nothing yet. I have lots more visits planned for …. Ooops, gotta go! Again!”

At that point Mss Ley ceased speaking and hurriedly left the news conference, walking awkwardly back to Parliament House at great speed while appearing to clench her buttocks and muttering to an aide something about “fucking ghost pepper vindaloo”.

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HEAVEN: God has denied responsibility for the shooting death of far-right US Christian Right political influencer Charlie Kirk.

“I know it’s popular when people narrowly escape death to credit me with saving them, just as Donald Trump did back in July 2024 at that campaign rally in Pennsylvania,” the Almighty (below) said.

“You may remember Mr Trump repeatedly claimed that I had saved him to allow him to continue his work to Make America Great Again!

“But at the same time he totally ignored the fact that a well-loved local fire chief had been killed in that shooting.

“The logic, of course, is that I somehow saved Mr Trump but let the fire chief die. A corollary of that argument, of course, is that I allowed Mr Kirk to be shot dead.

“Nothing could be further from the truth. I know some crazies claiming to be Christians say I’m all-seeing and omnipresent. But how the fuck would that work?

“I’m sick of being credited for saving people – including rolled gold arseholes like Mr Trump whom I’ve never heard from by the way – and by extension not saving people like Mr Kirk.

“It’s got nothing to do with me. Leave me out of it,” the Supreme Being said.

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SALT LAKE CITY: Law enforcement authorities in the US state of Utah have released an image of a man wanted for questioning in relation to the assassination of US right-wing political influencer Charlie Kirk.

A spokesperson for Utah’s Department of Public Safety said the blurry black-and-white image (below) taken from security cameras was being released to help narrow the search for the shooter or shooters responsible for Mr Kirk’s death.

“I stress that we are not suggesting that the person captured in this image is the shooter, but he is a person of interest in our investigations,” the spokesperson said.

“We have strong evidence to show that he was directly responsible for creating the climate of hatred, division, and fear that contributed to Mr Kirk’s shooting death and we would like to question him.”

The spokesperson said the man in question was described as being artificially bright orange with over-engineered hair covering his baldness, morbidly obese, with cankles and very small hands.

“He is prone to incoherent far-right ranting, lying, and stuffing his already fat face with fast food and we urge people not to approach him if they see him – especially underage women,” the spokesperson said.

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