… the moment you leave hospital, that is!

Spring has finally sprung and once discharged from hospital, you can venture out with a spring in your step knowing you are as safe as you can possibly be if not houses, simply by following the wise advice of the world’s most accurate soothsayer ever, The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after seeing a female chef/cook/general hand working in the kitchen at your local club or pub bistro.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after finding not only a full carton of a dozen eggs available on the shelves of your local supermarket but they are all intact.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after the dispense button on the cash-out machine at your local pokies works at first, second, third or even fourth press.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after you insert your membership card into a machine at your local pokie parlour and it shows green at your first, second, third or fourth attempt.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after ordering the fisherman’s basket at your local club or pub and not only could you almost taste the fish in the battered fillet but there wasn’t a single crab-stick bite in sight and it might have even been some distant relative of the usual prawn species used in the mushy and tasteless prawn cutlets.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after finally opening, after years of failure, a Cadbury’s chocolate block using the instructions on the wrapper and not having to resort to scissors.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after watching a National Nine News 6pm bulletin and there wasn’t a much-touted exclusive right at the end on a miracle new fat-loss diet or chronic back pain treatment breakthrough.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after spending more at Office Works for the four replacement CMYK ink cartridges than your trouble-jet printer originally cost.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after being able to read the microwave instructions for a TV dinner without the need for a magnifying glass even though, as usual, they are printed in four-point in a coloured font and on a screened background and if you can’t fucking read that with your perfect vision, what chance do the visibly impaired have, okay!

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after your Uber ride not only turns up on time but on the side of the street as promised.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You spend a night in hospital recovering from bite marks and massive blood loss after the Kia model you own is attacked by zombies.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You will spend a night in hospital recovering from shock after reading these star signs and finally realising that Kisma Aryias, no matter how accurate he might be, is just a grumpy old bastard gripped with paranoia and self-pity and who clearly thinks life has cruelly passed him by in, oh, so many ways.

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