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Australian media outlets have been warned of retaliation if they fail to discipline any journalists engaging in what critics say is the misquoting of a simple everyday figure of speech.

Retired racing pigeon, Urban Vermin, (main picture) today called a news conference to announce that he had decided to lead a public campaign to point out “a simple but very annoying mistake” that he claimed was “all too common” in news reports and commentary.

“Recently ABC News Online ran a story from its Brisbane newsroom about the recent Queensland Liberal National Party’s state conference,” Mr Vermin said.

“In it the reporter said Premier David Crisafulli ‘honed in’ on the federal coalition’s defeat at the May election. (below)

“As a homing pigeon I flew hundreds, no thousands, of kilometres over many, many years in many, many races.

“In each one of them as a homing pigeon I homed in on my target – my home roost.

“I and my fellow racing pigeons weren’t called homing pigeons for nothing, and were sure as fuck weren’t called honing pigeons.

“We weren’t honing anything, as in sharpening or improving it. So reading the ABC story really ruffled my feathers, quite literally.

“Then also on ABC TV News recently, federal political report Jane Norman covering Prime Minister Albanese said in a policy sense he was ‘honing in on housing’.

“Now, don’t get me wrong. I know that modern usage has meant that some language authorities suggest that both ‘home in’ and ‘hone in’ are supposedly interchangeable.

“But I’m a traditionalist and so too are the many homing pigeons I still catch up with now and again.

“We all want this ‘honing in’ crap stopped forthwith. And speaking of crap, if media outlets don’t stop it, then me and all of my mates will make sure we send a message to any offending journos we see out and about,” he said.

Mr Vermin then called a sudden end to the news conference after spying a nearby pedestrian dropping a hot chip.

“Sorry, gotta go,” he said while spreading his wings and crouching as if to take off but then pausing long enough to blast a big wet stream of runny white shit on the lectern before flying off.

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