Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills is reported to be in a critical condition after being rushed to hospital last night from his family seat Pout House.

His Lordship was struck yesterday evening by what was described by an eyewitness as a severe jowl-wobble during his traditional weekly harangue of Pout House below-stairs staff.

“As is his custom, staff were corralled in the east wing library after being thoroughly fumigated and reminded not to question, let alone contradict, His Lordship,” a Pout House under-butler said.

“Once assembled Lord Downer entered the library to the accompaniment of Pout House heralds trumpeting his personal fanfare Hark! My Bonny Boy Comes On the Morrow So Gay.

“His Lordship then used his gold lorgnette to inspect the crowd and pronounced them ‘somewhat noisome’ before drawing a muslin herbal nosegay from a pocket and sniffing it for some moments.

“Satisfied that he had masked the offending odour of the lower classes present in the room, he began to read at them his latest opinion piece that appeared in recent days in the national broadshit The Australian,” the under-butler said. (below)

In his column Lord Downer had lavished praise on the far right-wing authoritarian President Javier Mieli of Argentina (below) for his “chainsaw” reductions in public spending and services, withdrawal of funds to many medical and scientific research programs, and other cuts that have slashed wages and pensions.

The under-butler said His Lordship began by reciting from his column: “There’s no doubt President Donald Trump is interesting. He’s strong, he’s courageous but he’s something of an economic populist…..”

At that point, an unidentified staff member in the room added “His Lordship forgot to add corrupt, narcissistic, and a paedophile protector if not worse”.

“This caused Lord Downer to stop speaking for a moment, cutting the crowd a disapproving look before resuming his reading,” the under-butler said.

“But soon there was another murmur from the crowd with someone reminding others that it was Mr Mieli who gave Elon Musk – or ‘that cunt Musk’, to relay the remark more accurately – a chainsaw as a symbol of the cuts he imposed in his own brief role in the Trump administration slashing jobs and essential services.

“This seemingly discombobulated His Lordship for a brief moment, causing him to again stop reading and scan the crowd.

“Then as His Lordship continued reading his column, some cove in the crowd asked others in a loud whisper: ‘Why is our supposedly liberal Lord lauding an authoritarian?’

“This prompted another to reply: ‘Don’t worry, remember His Lordship confidently declared Putin would never invade Ukraine so we know how accurate his assessments are of world leaders.’

“At the outbreak of laughter which resulted, His Lordship narrowed his eyes and pursed his lips so tightly that it appeared he was using them to point accusingly at the crowd.

“It was then, while turning his head so very quickly to scan the crowd for the offending interjectors that His Lordship sustained a severe jowl-wobble.

“Clearly stricken, His Lordship swooned and lay rigid on the library floor while the room was cleared and a jowl splint applied.

“An ambulance was called but on its arrival Lord Downer roused sufficiently to enquire if there were a chance that someone middle class or lower class might have been its immediate previous passenger.

“After the paramedics conceded such a possibility His Lordship summoned his sedan chair carried by four muscular youths from the Pout House stables.

“He firmly directed all four to shed their clothes entirely before personally applying an unction to their taut bodies, especially their inner thighs, which he said would allow them to make the six-hour non-stop journey to the Royal Adelaide Hospital much faster.

“I am pleased to say that His Lordship’s sedan chair arrived at the hospital in just over five hours and he was admitted to its luxurious private six-star Wright Wing where doctors ordered bed rest for a day or two to settle his troublesome jowls.

“At last report he was in a critical condition – critical of hospital staff, critical of hospital food, and critical of the mounting cost of his stay which he declared should be free since his family had single-handedly built our nation.

“We have four replacement stable boys on standby at the hospital ready for oiling to return His Lordship to Pout House in his sedan chair and we also hope the sole surviving youth who helped transport him to Adelaide will be triaged by medical staff at the hospital’s public emergency department with the next few days once they clear the current ambulance ramping backlog,” the under-butler said.

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