… but don’t let it drag you down!

See it safely through to Spring by following the wise advice of the world’s most accurate soothsayer ever, The Bug‘s very own Kisma Aryias.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You are not at all surprised to hear the news that proud Zionist Tim Wilson, back as member for Goldstein in Melbourne, has been spotted jogging alongside Lake Burley Griffin in a sweat-shirt bearing that image that has shocked the world of the Gazan mother cradling the skeletal (holocaustal, even) remains of her son and the word GOTCHA! emblazoned in red underneath.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You are disappointed after planning to surprise your wife by buying online one of Gwyneth Paltrow’s “This Smells Like My Vagina” candles and lighting it just before she comes home from work, only to have her sniff the air and angrily declare: “Some cunt’s burning off.”

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You are not at all surprised to hear the sad news overnight that actress Gwyneth Paltrow has been attacked and eaten alive by dozens of stray cats after she stepped out of the front door of her New York apartment.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You also hear that the NYPD is investigating the possibility that Paltrow might have spent the previous night burning the candle at both ends.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You lie awake all night fretting over who win this weekend’s TV Week Gold Logie, knowing full well that the award always brings into sharp focus the absolute paucity of real talent, year in and year out, across the sector nationally.

TOM GLEESON – June 2, 1974 –

There is, of course, no Tom Gleeson star sign but we’ve inserted one just to reinforce the point made above.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

After dreaming of such a prospect for so long, you finally find yourself walking down a deserted lane at night armed with a 3.4kg Duncan Fearnley cricket bat and coming your way are the people who invented the leaf blower and the jet ski. No, wait! Look who’s with them! Let’s make it a trifecta and include Penny “Is this going to be a lethal or non-lethal attack?” Wong.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You reckon former US Vice-President Kamala Harris this week made the right call not to launch a campaign not to be California’s next Governor.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You lie awake all night wondering if you’re the only person in Australia hoping that angry guests stage a mass protest walkout of the Logies ceremony this Sunday after hearing that the emerging talent award has gone to those two kookaburras in that RACQ ad.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

But to be fair, the two water dragons in that other RACQ ad thought the kookas deserved their win despite being nominated themselves. Brilliant acting, by the way, from two distinctly different fauna classifications.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

Not sure whether late heavy metal rocker Ozzy Osbourne is actually being cremated, you nevertheless board a flight to the UK this morning to pay your respects on the premise that he’ll still be burning by the time you get there.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You can’t believe your luck when you ask your local SP bookie to frame some odds on a two-state solution in Israel/Gaza/West Bank becoming a reality within 24 months and he offers 500-1 with no bet limit.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You remain exceptionally grateful to your local GP for the butterfly suture strips she applied earlier in the week to the split sides you suffered when you heard Samantha Maiden declare on Insiders that Anthony Albanese hadn’t yet got a handle on how to deal with SSussan Ley.

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