The column that has fun with the smaller mistakes and missteps of Australia’s mainstream mediocre; that pays homage to those sweet little fishes that individually don’t amount to a full meal but collectively can cause a tummy upset over the overall state of the once great and noble craft of journalism in this country.

Snappily sharp, in fact!

We kick off this column with a dire warning for all rowers competing on the Fitzroy River come the 2032 Brisbane (and environs) Olympics: DO NOT jump in to celebrate a podium placing! You won’t make it to the medals ceremony!

And why? Because the Fitzroy River is “croc-infested”, according to a Nine News Queensland yarn on Tuesday night by reporter Abbey Geran.

To back up her claim came footage of two very large salties, either mating or practising fighting over the remains of the single scull gold medallist come 2032.

As one of the bitter, washed-up old hacks who compile MB said: “If that is footage from the Fitzroy – and viewers would be entitled to assume that – you can hack off one of my dried up, past-their-used-by-date balls! Fuck it. Chop off both!”

What he was colourfully trying to get across was the fact that an occasional sighting of a croc or a large log after rain doesn’t make the Fitzroy croc-infested – well, not yet anyway. With climate change accelerating, by 2032 you might be able to walk across the Fitzroy on the backs of these scaly prehistoric bastards.

In the meantime, we’ll take Abbey at her word and she has now kicked off our quest to record the number of times journos across both print and electronic platforms use “croc-infested” over the next seven years to describe the Fitzroy River.

Our best bet is that countless Olympic records are going to be smashed in 2032 as shit-scared competitors spend as little time on the water as possible. That’s if they’re stupid enough to take to their crafts at all.

***

And here’s one hot off the presses – literally.

Journo mate of The Bug crew and retired famous rugby league writer and Lang Park Media Hall of Famer Barry Dick spotted this nice little fuckup in today’s Weekend Australian.

At least it wasn’t a “60pt heady heady heady goes here” at the top of the page!

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