THE COURTS:

SYDNEY: Two senior staffers at Nine’s Wide World of Sports have appeared in Downing Centre Local and District Court here charged with using an electronic carriage service to transmit shockingly explicit information about the inner desires of Australian children.

Police swooped on Nine’s studios in Denison Street, North Sydney, at the weekend after police switchboards across NSW and Queensland were flooded with protests over a claim made in the warm-up package to the first British Lions/Wallabies Test in Brisbane last Saturday night.

“We were left with no option but to act immediately to hold those responsible to account,” said a spokesperson for the force’s anti-gross-hyperbole running squad.

He was referring to the statement made in that pre-match package that “every kid dreams of one day becoming a Wallaby”.

“Fuck me roan,” the police source said. “You couldn’t even claim that every kid in Australia dreams of one day patting a wallaby let alone playing as one.

“There’d be entire fair-sized towns in Australia where no kids play fucking rugby to start with.

“And of the couple of thousand kids around Oz who play the game, there’d be many who would be offended by the very notion of being labelled a potential Wallaby.

“And if they were good enough in the past, under old rules, they’d play in Japan or elsewhere just to ensure they’d be ineligible for Australian selection. And make much more doing that.

“How many fucking kids are really out there dreaming of one day wearing the green and gold and running out onto a Test arena, their jockstraps already full of shit if the All Blacks are their opponents, only to give away an unforgiveable penalty seconds into a match that a poorly trained state-school C-grade player with one arm side would avoid?”

The two Nine Entertainment staffers – the man who wrote the “every kid dreams of one day becoming a Wallaby” line and the narrator who voiced it have been remanded in custody to reappear for further mention in late November next year.

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