Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has thrown his not-inconsiderable weight behind moves within the Liberal Party to guarantee it adds more women to its ranks in the federal parliament.

After summoning media representatives to the east wing library of his family seat Pout House, and following their routine delousing at the hands of several footmen, His Lordship declared his stand against quotas for female Liberal Party candidates and MPs.

“As one of the former – and dare one say, greatest – leaders of the Liberal Party…” he said to mild snickers from several reporters, “I want to put on record my opposition to quotas.

“Under my leadership – in what is referred to as ‘the Downer years’….,” His Lordship said before halting his address when a cheeky cove amongst the reporters loudly whispered: “He means the Downer three-quarter year.”

Lord Downer swiftly tapped his ivory-capped ebony cane several times on the library floor to put an end to the wave of guffaws the errant remark had sparked.

Adopting a purse of his slightly tinted lips so severe that they appeared to become drained of blood and stood in stark contrast to his rouged chubby cheeks, His Lordship repeated his remark while carefully scanning the media throng with narrowed eyes.

“Under my leadership – in what is referred to as ‘the Downer years’ – there was no need for quotas,” he said slowly. “I believe that position still stands today.

“We certainly do not need more women candidates or MPs. We do, however, urgently require more ladies in our parliament, and I have a plan to achieve just that.”

His Lordship went on to conditionally embrace an alternative plan put forward by the federal shadow minister for women, Melissa McIntosh, who has suggested the establishment of a central gender-balanced candidate pool from which candidates for individual electorates could be drawn. (below)

“Despite being from the lower and untitled orders, and being born in …… , “ Lord Downer began before appearing to gag slightly, but then continuing,  “…. Western Sydney, and having faced the handicap of not being schooled privately, and attending what is ludicrously and somewhat pathetically called Western Sydney University, Miss McIntosh has given us all the germ of a good idea.”

His Lordship then led reporters to a library window overlooking the Pout House moat where he pointed to his daughter, Countess the Lady Georgina Downer, standing in its waters. (main picture)

“I suggest we go further than simply a candidate pool and I offer my idea for a candidate moat,” he explained.

“By insisting on a candidate moat we can ensure that future Liberal Party MPs are drawn from the right families, and indeed the Right families, without the need for silly, unnecessary, and destructive processes such as so-called preselections and so-called democratic votes by so-called rank and file party members.”

His Lordship said his plan went further than Ms McIntosh’s and would guarantee more female MPs by doing away with elections in seats contested by Liberal ladies.

“Under my plan, any family with a moat would be entitled, naturally, but could also send one or more of their female stock to our parliament in Canberra as a Liberal MP without the need for them to face so-called voters at a so-called election.”

At that His Lordship directed Pout House staff to use their swagger sticks to remove reporters from the library and to release hounds to clear the grounds while also ordering up his personal gondola to retrieve Her Ladyship who, even from a distance, could be seen to have begun shivering.

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