Only the world’s most-accurate soothsayer ever, The Bug’s very own Kisma Aryias who has never, ever, got it wrong, can tell you what’s in store for you in this middle month of winter. So safe shopping everyone!

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

While you are delighted with the new high-pressure pearl diver’s suit you grabbed out of the bargain bins at your local ALDI store the other day, you are disappointed with the news from store management that supply chain problems from China mean the authentic 1880s Broome pearling lugger that complements your suit won’t be appearing in those bargain bins any time soon.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You lie awake at night wondering – no, fearing – if you’re the only person left in Australia who once thought Dave Hughes was funny.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You welcome the news that alleged poison mushroom killer Erin Patterson is to be invited as a special additional contestant on the current iteration of Master Chef but only if she’s acquitted, of course.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You can’t believe your luck while walking down a deserted laneway late at night armed with a 3.5kg Duncan and Fearnley cricket bat you encounter the NRL coach who first came up with the idea that the short drop-kick from under the posts has any tactical advantage for a trailing side keen to keep their opposition from scoring.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You can’t believe The Project has been axed at the very moment you were thinking of giving it a viewing for the very first time.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

Not too many people can experience this, of course, but you wish others could have shared the absolute thrill and pants-wetting exhilaration you felt as you drove through Ferny Hills near Brisbane the other day and saw Peter Dutton’s electoral office empty and stripped of all its signage and photos.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You suspect the rumour is true that Fair Trading Australia’s advertising standards unit has slapped a $10,000 fine on the Nine Network for a Tipping Point promo that called Sam Stosur “a tennis legend” for her upcoming appearance on the show.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You suspect that Peter Beattie would be bursting with pride as he watches the shameless amount of self-promoting taxpayer-funded advertising the LNP Crisafulli government in Queensland has been doing since its election only a half-a-year ago. “We were originally very reluctant to the idea of plundering the public purse that early in a term,” an admiring Beattie is said to have said.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You join in a pro-Palestinian march only to find your Burberry scarf doesn’t quite cut the mustard.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You are not at all surprised to hear former prime minister Scott Morrison respond to news of a mid-season slump by the Cronulla Sharks by declaring he’s now far too busy talking up the value of AUKUS to have any ongoing interest in the Sydney A-grade lawn bowls competition.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder aloud if you’re the only person in Australia who rolled around on the floor laughing when you heard the suggestion that making Tim Wilson Opposition Leader would greatly improve the Liberals’ chance for revival on the federal political stage.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

It suddenly dawns on you that every vehicle you’ve ever seen in a police procedural on Britbox/Netflix/Iview are the latest models available from manufacturers, even though the stories regularly involve detectives battling crime with severely limited departmental funding, taking product placement on the silver screen or the small box to a brand-new level, so to speak.

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