THE HAGUE: NATO Secretary-General Mark Rutte remains in a critical condition in the intensive care unit of a Dutch hospital with an as-yet unidentified inflammatory infection affecting his tongue. (main picture)

Mr Rutte was rushed to the Dyke Clog Stereotype Hospital soon after this week’s meeting of member nations of the North Atlantic Treaty Organisation (NATO) in The Hague where US President Donald Trump and his stand on the organisation’s funding, and wars in Ukraine and the Middle East dominated proceedings.

Head of the hospital’s intensive care unit, Dr Dope Cafe Windmill, said pathologists were still examining biopsies of Mr Rutte’s tongue to determine the cause of the infection.

“At this stage we suspect the infection arose after Mr Rutte licked something, and licked it repeatedly and very intensely,” Dr Windmill said.

“We are yet to determine exactly what that was, but we have some clues from some material identified in the biopsies that have included some ginger coloured hairs embedded in what appears to be faecal matter composed largely of digested hamburgers, fries, and Diet Coke.”

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WASHINGTON DC: US President Donald Trump is planning a second large military parade through the streets of the American capital.

Speaking on Air Force One flying back from a NATO meeting in the Netherlands, Mr Trump said a second parade was justified to celebrate his role as peacemaker in the Middle East and his imminent receipt of multiple Nobel Peace Prizes.

“I expect to receive many, many, so many Nobel Peace Prizes for my work bringing a permanent peace to the Middle East and my plans to cement that peace by literally cementing Gaza – with Bibi’s help – and turning it into the new Rivera,” Mr Trump said.

“I’m also overdue a Nobel Prize for my work bringing the war in Ukraine to an end on my first day in office.”

Mr Trump added that after receiving the peace prizes he planned to hold another military parade in Washington to celebrate.

“My work for peace justifies a second parade and anyone who gets in the way of that had better watch out or they’ll have the crap knocked out of them, roughed up, perhaps shot in the legs, and maybe even waterboarded,” he said.

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TEL AVIV: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu has issued a stern warning to the nation’s military leaders following the latest fatal shootings of Palestinians at food distribution points in Gaza.

Israeli Defence Force soldiers have shot and killed more than 400 people and wounded an estimated 1,000 at food distribution centres in the past month.

In the latest reported attack 19 people at a Gaza distribution centre died when shot by the IDF.

“This is simply not good enough,” an angry Netanyahu said. “We expect more from the IDF, more shooting deaths that is.

“How can we continue accessing the endless conveyor belt of US arms and ammunition if we don’t lift our game and use those weapons in the most effective way by wiping out more innocent Palestinians lives each day?

“As we’ve seen this week, President Trump will be very angry if we cause him to miss out on a Nobel Peace Prize by not eliminating all Palestinians to bring an end to the fighting in Gaza,” he said.

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