ONLINE AND MOTORING SAFETY MARVELS:

The US experience: Part 1

“Salt Lake City Tesla Sales and Service. Vicky speaking. How may we help you?”

“Vicky it’s Walter McDonald here. I bought that new model S from you guys a few weeks back and I’m in a real pickle here. The car’s electronics have completely shut down and the car’s stopped on the highway. A Mack truck could come along at any minute and take me out.”

“Relax, we’re here to help. What does your screen tell you?”

“That some unusual activity has been detected and I need to take certain steps to get the vehicle system unlocked.”

“That’s right. We see here you are 87 miles west of the city on Route 24 and you’ve never done that before.”

“I’m going to get myself killed just for that?”

The Bug experience, Australia: Part 1

“Fuck me roan! Elon’s blocked us again, the cunt!”

That’s one of The Bug’s staffers who monitor the social media platform X to prepare Australia’s No1 family newszine’s regular Xcrements-of-the-Week column.

“Elon’s detected more unusual activity on our X site and we’ve got to prove we’re fucking human yet again. This is becoming a fucking daily nightmare.”

The US experience; Part 2

Vicki: “Don’t worry, Walter. Just follow the prompts on your screen and we’ll have you on your way again as soon as possible. We’ve just got to prove you’re human, that’s all.”

“Who do you think is driving the car? You haven’t been able to make driverless cars work!”

“Now, now, Walter, this is all in your best interests. Just go through the simple steps on your video screen, put the cinema goer in the right seat to prove you’re human and we’ll send you a code on your mobile. Key that in and you’ll be on your way.”

The Bug experience, Australia: Part 2

“Fuck me roan! You know the cunt never tells us how we’ve managed to offend X’s sensibilities.”

“At least when Facebook puts us in the naughty corner, they list the breaches of their code they’re accusing us of and we have an appeals avenue.

“With Musk, all the fuck we have to do is jump through fucking hoops, prove we’re real people who might be doing something wrong and everything’s hunky dory? With logic like that as to problem-solving, no wonder his rockets blow up.”

The US experience; Part 3

Walter: “You mean that’s it! All I need to do is prove I’m human and this won’t happen again?”

Vicky: “Well, not today anyway. And it might pay to stay away from Route 24.”

The Bug experience, Australia: Part 3

“Okay, we’re up and running again, everybody! For a while at least.”

“Thank God that poor schmuck in the US didn’t have to do that eight-part test that Musk put us through last week – aligning orbits with icons. He’d be fucking dead now.

“I know I’m not the sharpest tool in the Bug shed but it took me an hour to do that. Every time I fucked one up, I had to start again. Eight of the bastards. If Musk wants us to fuck off, he’s not being very subtle about it!”

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