“Please don’t give up! There’s still almost two weeks of June left and we can assure journalists everywhere that our uncoveted Janet Albrechtsen Trophy is still very much up for grabs.”

That was our senior judge responding to rumours circulating on social mediocre that the front-page splash on a recent edition of The Australian (at top) was a shoo-in for June Arse-Licker trophy glory.

“Okay, we accept that heading will be hard to beat given Israel has basically razed Gaza and killed 60,000 citizens there but with so many arse-lickers in our craft, they should never say die,” the judge said.

“Still, we are trying to find out who wrote that heading and on whose orders.

“It is a beauty, isn’t it? So many cloacas given a thorough cleansing – Australia’s Zionists, senior Newcorpse Australia executives, and so far up the clackers of Rupert and Lachlan Murdoch that their tonsils were tickled.

“There’s quite a few arseholes you could safely eat a meal off for days to come.”

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