WASHINGTON DC: US President Donald Trump has decided to change the location of the 14 June grand military parade originally planned for Washington DC to mark the 250th anniversary of the formation of the United States Army.
The parade, which will also fall on the President’s own birthday, will now be held through streets in Los Angeles.
Announcing the change, Mr Trump told a White House media briefing (main picture) that it made sense to hold the parade in the California capital.
“By the time the 14th of June comes around most of the US Army will be in LA anyway to battle the lawlessness on Los Angeles streets,” he explained.
“I’m doing all I can to manage the situation – you can be 100% assured of that – and I know for certain that the riots will be escalating in coming days which will need an escalated response so I’ll be sending more and more troops to LA every day from now until the 14th.”
Under questioning from reporters, Mr Trump denied he was worsening the situation with his inflammatory rhetoric.
“That’s a nasty comment. So nasty,” he responded. “It’s something I’d expect from the woke, probably gay, more than likely paedophile, insurrectionist, and traitorous Governor of California, Gavin Newscunt,” he said.
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SYDNEY: NSW Health has warned Sydney residents that they may face long delays for an ambulance until an emergency situation at Surry Hills has been resolved.
Dozens of ambulances and paramedic crews as well as bulldozers have been mobilised across the Sydney metropolitan area to respond to a widespread outbreak of explosive diarrhoea at the Holt Street headquarters of News Crap Australia. (below)
“The outbreak was reported following news overnight that Australia had joined several international ally nations in imposing sanctions on two far-right blatantly genocidal ministers in Benjamin Netanyahu’s government,” a NSW Health spokesperson said.
“The outbreak was concentrated in the newsroom of The Australian but ambulances and paramedic teams were also required to be despatched to the Sydney homes of several Righters for the newspaper including Greg Sheridan and Gerard Henderson. (both far right below)
“Oddly enough, our paramedics report that while Sheridan and Henderson both shat themselves something horrible when the news broke, they are still both full of shit,” the spokesperson said.
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CANBERRA: The sacked head coach of UK soccer club Tottenham Hotspur, Ange Postecoglou, is expected to be announced soon as the new federal director of the Liberal Party of Australia.
A Liberal Party source said the Greek-born Postecoglou who grew up in Melbourne was the ideal choice for the job in the wake of the party’s battering at the May federal election.
“Ange himself acknowledges that he usually has a big win in his second season as coach at any club, so he should help us rebuild at the 2028 election and take us to victory in 2031,” the source said. “The rest of us can just put our feet up once he’s on board.
“Admittedly the decision to go with Ange was a close run thing with many senior Libs backing another contender to send a signal that the party is open to new ideas, has its pulse on community excitations, is open to more women in their ranks, and is looking to the future.
“But their idea to enlist former rugby coach and radio shock jock Alan Jones was narrowly defeated,” the source said.
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