Okay, here we go again! Winter has arrived and sooks all over Australia will now be rugged and ugg-booted up and too afraid to venture out and about, staying inside and making sure their electric blankets are on 3 for when they hop into bed 12 hours from now.

Which is really, really, silly because there’s so much to do out there in the Great Southern Land in what are really very, very, mild times compared with many northern-hemisphere countries and you can do it in complete safety by following the sage advice of the world’s most-accurate soothsayer ever, The Bug’s Kisma Aryias!

So step out sooks! Take a bush walk or even an ocean swim for fuck’s sake! Kisma will keep you safe from drop bears and great whites out for a winter snack.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

You buy a large packet of mixed peanut and cashew nuts at your local supermarket only to get home to realise that what the product makers meant by mix is that they mix one cashew to every large cup of peanuts.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You lie awake at night for hours on end wondering if you’re the only person in the country who can remember what Peter Dutton looked like. 

LEO – July 23 – August 22

Given Labor’s landslide win on May 3, you were of the mind that the ALP has maybe four more terms in government ahead of it but after Barnaby Joyce, Michael McCormack, Sarah Henderson and Jane Hume were all dumped from shadow cabinet it might only be two.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You might have to see your GP for some calming medication seeing you haven’t been able to stop laughing since hearing the news that Ted O’Brien (pictured below) had been appointed shadow Treasurer.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

You can’t believe your luck while walking down a deserted laneway late at night armed with a 3.5kg Duncan and Fearnley cricket bat you encounter the person who thought up the idea for that “reality” TV show on Channel 9, The Floor.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

After reading media reports that Tony Abbott and Peta Credlin are still controlling the federal Liberal Party and framing their policy directions, you realise you might never see another LNP government in your lifetime and you’re only seven.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You are not at all surprised to hear news that a fair number of pubs across the New England region have been put up for sale after their owners heard the news that Barnaby Joyce’s annual income will be roughly $60,000 less a year now that he’s been axed from the shadow ministry,

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

Like your friend Sagittarius above, you are not all surprised to hear research has just been released showing that the election of four new One Nation senators after the May 3 poll has reduced the average IQ of all Australian senators by 12.5 points.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You pitch to movie producers your horror script centred on the idea that Sussan Ley’s mouth detaches from her face, morphs into something much larger and even more sinister looking and then spawns countless millions of siblings that go on an eating rampage that threatens the very survival of humanity across Australia.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You really wish you lived in the Melbourne federal seat of Goldstein because you’d make it your role in life for the next three years that every time you saw “PROUDLY ZIONIST” Tim Wilson out and about you’d shove pictures of Gaza babies blown apart or starved to death in his fucking face.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

If you’re completely honest, you’d admit missing those multi-daily rants by Sky LNPNews hosts about how awful the Albanese government has been and who deserved to be kicked to the kerb on May 3, because they were very sad yet very funny at the same time.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder aloud if you’re the only person in Australia who feels sorry for Donald Trump given the avalanche of disgusting memes mocking the President since his nickname TACO – Trump Always Chickens Out – was revealed.

Such as this one..

and this one….

and this one…

and this one…

and this one…

and this one….

and this one…

and this one…

And this one…

You think such memes are cruel and childish and they should be banned!

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