Seemingly only days away from a reconciliation, the former Coalition partners’ marriage might be shakier than ever as it quickly dawns on senior Liberal MPs the losses they can expect from any patch-up.

The Bug can reveal that a number of Liberal front-benchers, promised multi portfolios by Opposition Leader Sussan Ley when it looked like only the Liberals could be the official opposition, are now fuming that those positions and the prestige and extra income and staff that would have come with them are now being stripped away.

“Why should we be stripped of these important roles so that someone like Barnaby Joyce can be gifted the cushy shadow minister roles of drought envoy at $20,000 per email and shadow minister for Licensing, monitoring any expansion of early-opening and later-closing licensed premises in the New England region,” one high profile former Morrison Government minister told The Bug on condition of anonymity.

The Bug can now exclusively reveal some of the shadow ministry positions promised by Ley to her Liberal colleagues but have now been unceremoniously withdrawn, including, of course, ones to herself.

Sussan Ley: Prime Minister and shadow minister for taxpayer-funded property-purchase flights.

Jacinta Price: Deputy PM and shadow minister for Widening the Gap.

Senator James McGrath: Shadow minister for locating and counting missing ballot papers.

Senator Dave Sharma: Shadow minister for rooting out the growing scourge of anti-Semitism in Australia, spawned by nonsense claims by goody-two-shoes Arab lovers that Israel does not have the right to blow to pieces tens of thousands of innocent women and children as it fights for its right to exist as a one-nation entity free of towel-heads!

Angus Taylor: Shadow Treasurer and minister for ensuring waste water sales are made at fair and reasonable prices.

Ted O’Brien: Shadow minister charged with supporting all other Australians who look far too much like Scott Morrison to ever be taken seriously regardless of their status in life.

Rabbi Tim Wilson: Shadow minister for supporting genocide as the nation’s proudest Zionist and shadow minister for Prayer Room cleaning and restocking.

Senator Sarah Henderson: Shadow minister for Communications, especially the continuing degradation of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation until the Murdochs can buy it and either shut it down or put it behind a paywall.

Michaelia Cash: Shadow General-Attorney, shadow minister for education, with particular emphasis on ensuring the nation’s students never lose the ability to speak strine well, including phrases such as “I moight have a poy and a glass of wione for lunch” and shadow minister for the arts, with particular attention to fostering the careers of fellow pissed-parrot impersonators.

All of the above will also be joint shadow ministers given the unthankful and most likely fruitless task of trying to rediscover, or maybe just redefine and then implement, the Liberal Party’s core principles and beliefs.

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