The federal National Party appears to be having second thoughts about breaking its coalition agreement with the Liberals. The Bug can report that one of the main agitators behind a reconciliation is Senator Matt Canavan. We have obtained exclusive access to a transcript of a key phone call between former party leader Barnaby Joyce (far right at left in main picture) and the Queensland National Party identity (far right and at right in main picture) that may prove crucial in the outcome of current talks aimed at rescuing the longstanding political alliance.

Barnaby Joyce: Hello? Matt?

Matt Canavan: Yep.

BJ: Look, we’ve gotta stop this idea about busting up the coalition. This madness has to stop. Now!

MC: Why? I’m backing Dave [Littleproud]. He’s on the right track, I mean the Right track. I reckon we should dump those pissweak, lily-livered Libs who are just a pale imitation of the woke, lezzo-dominated Labor lefties who stole the election.

BJ: Yeah, I hear ya. I can’t stand them either.

MC: The Libs claim to play it hard but they don’t. Deep down they’re wimps. Just watch how their bottom lips tremble at the thought of a couple of nuclear reactors here and there.

BJ: I know mate. I know.

MC: They fucked up the election campaign.

BJ: True.

MC: Look at that debacle over working from home. They can’t Right policy to save themselves.

BJ: True. True.

MC: Look at the plan to sack 41,000 shiny-arsed public servants. Peter [Dutton] went to water.

BJ: I know. I know.

MC: The Libs wouldn’t even listen to my idea for a policy to deport trans people. You and I know that’s the Right thing to do if we wanted to win.

BJ: It works for Trump.

MC: Sure does. You know what’s worse, some of the Libs even believe climate change is real! Can you believe it?

BJ: Mate, you know I don’t.

MC: What? You don’t believe some of the Libs believe it’s real?

BJ: No mate. I mean I believe it’s not real. I’m with you on that one.

MC: Phew. You had me worried for a moment there.

BJ: Look mate, if this split is for real then you realise that Dave wants to make you Shadow Treasurer.

MC: What?

BJ: Yeah. Shadow Treasurer, plus a few other bits and pieces too.

MC: What the fuck?

BJ: Well remember there’s only a handful of us Nats and there’s more than two dozen Albanese ministers to shadow.

MC: But Shadow Treasurer? You mean I’ll have to know what I’m talking about.

BJ: Yep.

MC: I’ll have to know all the actual… umm, what do you call them? Ahhh, facts! That’s it. You mean I’ll have to know all the actual facts about any given issue before running off at the mouth?

BJ: Yep.

MC: I won’t be able to just go blackface with fake coal dust and spout cheap Right-wing slogans in interviews defending fossil fuel industries?

BJ: No mate. You’ll have to be right across your brief, as well as Right across your brief, of course.

MC: Fuck that.

BJ: Too right. I mean too Right. Although you can’t be too Right can you?

MC: True. I’ll hang up now and call Dave straight away. This madness has to stop. Now!

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