New federal Liberal Party deputy leader Ted O’Brien (main image) has been given a glowing report by a special medical panel established by the party’s new leader Sussan Ley.

“After being elected as our party’s first female leader I immediately assembled an expert medical panel to give Ted O’Brien a physical assessment to ensure he is safe for me to work alongside,” Ms Ley explained.

“We all noticed something odd about Ted in the last weeks of the campaign and it turned out he was suffering side-effects from working for so long on our nuclear power policy.

“But the expert doctors on the panel tell me the glowing Ted is experiencing will gradually dissipate and that he is completely safe for me to work with, provided he wears a lead-lined hazmat suit for as long as it takes to review our party’s energy policy.”

Ms Ley also announced that she would seek approval to change her official title to “Oppossition Leader” after consulting a numerologist and would make a further change to her own name.

“Adding an extra ‘s’ to my own name has worked wonders for me, as shown by my election as leader,” she said.

“So I’ll be changing my name again by deed poll to Ssussan which should see me elected as prime minister ….., I mean prime minisster in 2028.”

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National scientific research body the CSIRO says it is partnering with the famed Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) in the US to measure what it believes to be the smallest unit of time ever identified.

A CSIRO spokesperson said the new time unit was first identified during the recent federal election campaign.

“We noticed this new and previously unmeasured time unit whenever a politician, media commentator, or other political observer mentioned Northern Territory Senator Jacinta Nampijinpa Price,” the spokesperson said.

“It was apparent that the time taken to articulate ‘Nampijinpa’, even when badly mispronouncing it or just having a stab at it, was not just minuscule but almost imperceptible.

“So our new project will use highly specialised time measurement equipment at MIT to determine that exact period of time,” the spokesperson said.

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Consumer watchdog the Australian Competition and Consumer Commission (ACCC) has issued a pre-emptive warning to the re-elected Albanese Government and media outlets regarding the terminology they use in the next three-year term of federal parliament.

In a sternly worded statement the ACCC said any reference to “the Albanese cabinet” or “Anthony Albanese’s cabinet” would spark regulatory action under consumer laws.

“It is clear that the new federal cabinet was composed through a myriad of factional deals, not as a result of the Prime Minister picking his team,” an ACCC spokesperson explained.

“So any suggestion to the contrary is obviously misleading and will see action taken by the Commission to protect consumers of political news.”

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