Campaign director for the LNP (Liberal News Corp Party), Rupert Murdoch, conceded the 2025 election to the Labor Party last night in a speech to the party faithful that was more gracious than his usual public pronouncements.

“The woke, lefty, anti-nuclear Australian people have clearly got it wrong, unlike the good people of the USA,” Mr Murdoch said. (main picture)  

“I simply can’t understand why, so I place all blame for this defeat on Peter Dutton.

“He simply failed to properly sell his division for the future to voters.

“He had a chance to Right himself into history and he blew it, not me,” he said.

Mr Murdoch said in November last year as campaign director for the US Republican Party he had been pleased when his candidate Donald Trump won the presidency.

“Americans made the Right decision to vote for the policies that I helped Donald Trump to push,” he said

“It was, I am proud to say, a triumph for demagoguery… I mean democracy.

“But for some strange reason Australians have defied me and shown a contemptible resistance to the policies and plans I have been outlining in this campaign through the LNP’s daily turdbloid policy documents, our broadshit national party platform, and on our 24/7 advertising channel SkyLNP News.”

Mr Murdoch ended his speech by telling the diminishing crowd that he would not be changing tactics for the 2028 election.

“I’m sticking to my plan until voters get it Right,” he said before ending his speech by asking a group of 60-something women near the lectern which of them was his current wife and leaving the room with one of them.

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PM outlines bold reform agenda

Returned for a second term with a clear majority, Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has promised a bolder approach to government in the next three years.

After claiming victory last night Mr Albanese was asked to list what specific initiatives he would take when he had already ruled out proposals including major tax reform, revisiting the Uluru Statement from the Heart, a republic referendum, a referendum on four-year terms, restricting gambling advertising, tackling the supermarket duopoly, and many other reforms.

After thinking deeply for some moment, Mr Albanese said: “Well, I can say that my government will be doing all in its power, working day and night to crack down on littering.

“We will be doing that without fear or favour,” he said before being quickly ushered away.

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Dutton finally embraces welcome to country

In his concession speech last night Peter Dutton finally offered a welcome to country after five weeks on the campaign trail railing against such gestures.

His comments came in his speech congratulating Prime Minister Albanese and the Labor Party and the new Labor MP for his seat of Dickson, Ali France, while also taking responsibility for failing to win the election.

“I have tried every day in this job to Make Australia Great Again,” he said. “And if this country doesn’t see the benefits in that then you’re welcome to it.”

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Palmer blames biased media

Oboe of the Obese president, Clive Palmer, (below) says his party’s poor showing was a direct result of the media bias shown against it.

“The ungrateful media which I gave tens of millions of dollars showed incredible ungratefulness and bias against us by highlighting trivialities like the many candidates who have had a brush with the law in the past, and present,” Mr Palmer said.

“Given such negative coverage it’s no wonder that, err… whatshername … didn’t win her seat of … ummm, whatever, and isn’t our new prime minister.”

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