As arguably Australia’s most accurate amateur psephologist, I’ve been astounded by the number of people keen to hear my prediction for today’s federal election.

You’d think at least one person would have been interested.

It’s probably for the best, though, that no-one did seek my opinion earlier because my prediction some months ago would be vastly different than it is now.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve always thought that Dutton’s team of dunces had about as much chance of attaining majority government as a potato chip surviving a beach full of seagulls.

The Opposition clearly decided long ago they have two-thirds of three quarters of fuck all chance of regaining any of the seats lost to the Teals in 2022. Electorates that were once jewels in the Liberal crown are now worthless dross, at least in their eyes.

A crazy nuclear power policy based on burning coal for a very long time also wasn’t going to impress anyone who supported a Tealster or similar coloured independent three years ago.

But a few months back, the Duddster was riding high, with the polls suggesting the LNP had a red-hot chance at minority government.

Back then, though, with cost of living rating as voters’ number-one concern, Dutton thought he was home and holding a petrol pump hose and shouting “Are you better off now than you were three years ago?” ad nauseously.

And by being Temu Trump Down Under in other ways too. And here was his fatal mistake. He cracked a chubby thinking all he had to do was mimic the Moron of Mar-a-Logo and Kirribilli House was his for the redecorating. The big flaw?

His US hero did not win the US presidency in a landslide. And without the compulsory voting used here, he won with about a third of the vote of all Americans who could have voted.

Still, Dutton saw that the red meat that Trump had thrown to racists over there had worked a treat and tried his best to convince electors that far too many immigrants were coming here, taking our jobs and our rent prospects, although to be fair to Dutts he didn’t add that most of these foreigners were rapists and murderers who were partial to a roast meal of puppy or pussy.

The final days of the campaign were like that catherine wheel on the cracker night post we thought had run out of powder puff, only to spring back to life, with Dutton grabbing a fresh dog whistle and declaring Victorians would soon be safe to go out shopping again once he deported African gangs. And he’d save us all the $500 million that Labor had just promised to spend on another Voice referendum to give those uppity dar … first nations people something not being offered to whities! And don’t forget all those teachers who tried to make their pupils woke up to the fact that Australia was and will always be Abo land and the rest of us should head out to our nearest international airport for the very last time.

Then there was the misogyny, another Trump card that Dutton had to avoid and thank goodness for that! Could any of us have kept our last meal down faced with the horrific images that would have been sparked if Dutton had claimed Albanese had put out to get ahead?

Dutton also couldn’t match those 90-minute-plus speech masterclasses where Trump weaved all sorts of disjointed mistruths into a discombobulated whole swallowed crook, lies and stinker by his equally brain-dead moronic MAGA base.

In the end, a hopeful pimply teenager at Schoolies had more frangers in his wallet then Dutton had in his bag of policy offerings. They were discarded one by one as he realised that Australians couldn’t give, unlike that hopeful schoolie, a fuck be it flying or any other way about any of them.

Dutton tonight will pay a big price for born-to-rule hubris and arrogance – an unshakeable belief in the LNP’s God-given right to govern almost all of the time, one instilled in his sun-damaged brain by a fawning mainstream mediocre – and I can’t wait to watch it unfold tonight. I truly hope the LNP is rejected beyond repair.

And now for the bit you’ve all been waiting for! At close of counting tonight, Labor will have 53.12 percent of the two-party preferred vote – slightly more than all the pollsters have suggested – and will have 79 seats in their column with more to come. I’d also like to see Dutton booted out of Dickson but a nagging feeling remains that the happy-clappy brigade in the seat will feel sorry that so many heathens are out to get him, allowing him to just cling on.

Please don’t put some money on as I’m rarely right and there’s a very good chance my amateur psephologist’s shingle will be back in the rubbish bin very soon.

Don Gordon-Brown

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