…. and the news for Dutton is grave!

MELBOURNE: An undisclosed number of people paying their respects to loved ones at a Melbourne cemetery have been injured after a coffin exploded from its grave a short time ago, showering concrete, soil and bones everywhere.

The Bug can confirm the very old coffin belonged to Sir Robert Menzies, arguably Australia’s finest PM who loved to watch Ashes battles in England first hand.

Sir Robert was buried in the Prime Ministers Garden of Melbourne General Cemetery after his death in May 1978. For much of that time, he has laid in eternal rest beside Dame Pattie, his wife, not the America’s Cup boat.

A cemetery groundsman explained what happened.

“After Peter Dutton’s disastrous first week on the hustings, Sir Robert started spinning in his grave.

“As the following campaign weeks unfolded and Dutton each week performed worse than the week before, Sir Robert’s spinning just got worse and worse.

“The noise was becoming unbearable and it’s only late yesterday that we considered reinforcing the grave or at the very least parking a piece of heavy machinery over it just in case.

“Then of course, Dutton’s continuing woeful efforts on the campaign trail – did anyone seriously think he could fuck up even worse in week five than the four before – simply proved too much for the dear old chap who founded the modern Liberal Party.

“It’ll take some time but we expect to find most of Sir Robert, although that task won’t be easy with the news that his left femur has just been found down on Brighton Beach and one of his coffin handles is already up on eBay.”

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