With all of us totally sick of and pissed of with the federal election campaign, the world’s most accurate soothsayer ever – our very own Kisma Aryias – knows exactly what the result will be on the night, but the bastard won’t share that knowledge with us.

He has disclosed, however, what’s on the minds of our party leaders as the clock ticks down to the counting of votes on Saturday. (main picture)

And as a special election-eve treat he has devoted his entire column to elections here and there. Enjoy!

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

It’s appropriate that your star sign leads off this horoscope, given the amount of bullshit we’ve all had to put up with in the past five weeks of electioneering.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

With the election electronic media ban now in place, you wonder if you are the only person in Australia who is missing all those Trumpet of Patriots ads apart, of course, from your father who is the advertising accounts manager up at the Nine Network.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You understand completely why returned Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney has offered Donald Trump a senior cabinet position in view of the central role the US  president played in reelecting the centrist/left wing Liberals who were totally on the nose just a few months ago.  

LEO – July 23 – August 22

But you’re not sure Trump will accept the condition that the United States becomes the eleventh province of Canada.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

With Labor likely to win on Saturday, you do feel a little sorry for Michaela  Cash who has been binge watching all  520 episodes of the seven iterations of Law & Order, currently in its twenty-fourth season, to be best attorney-general she could have possibly been.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

And Angus Taylor is never going to recoup the price he paid at the novelty store for that fairly fancy abacus that he had planned to guide Treasury with.  

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

And Peter Dutton is going to be shattered to find out his age now makes him ineligible to rejoin the Queensland police force, with a burning ambition to resume helping First Nations people with their travel arrangements.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You have this crazy dream that on election night, returned PM Anthony Albanese uses his victory speech to slam Israel’s genocide in Gaza and to announce the immediate end of all diplomatic and trade relations with “war criminal Benjamin Netanyahu’s sickening and murderous regime”. Albanese sobs openly as he passes out gruesome images of innocent Palestine mothers and children blown to bits by US-supplied bombs in just the last couple of days.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

You also have a dream that on election night, returned PM Anthony Albanese uses his victory speech to sink the AUKUS nuclear submarines deal as “the biggest and costliest pile of stinking bullshit I’ve ever heard of” and that he wished he had Emmanuel Macron’s mobile number to order some much-cheaper French subs instead.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

Both star signs above, concerned that they are losing their grips on reality, tell family and friends of their absurdly fanciful dreams and to a man and a woman they all suggest both seek urgent psychiatric help.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You suspect that if Albanese really says those things when claiming victory on Saturday night, Penny Wong will say she was seated too far away at the victory celebrations to make any considered comments on those issues.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

You are not treated for shock after watching Greg Jennett’s ABC’s election report last night that started and ended with images of Peter Dutton, what he was up to on the hustings and also gave him more than his fair share of the report in between. Political balance has been so important to the ABC these past three years.

BARNABY – March 28 – May 3

You once were a star in your own right – or more correctly in your own Right – weren’t you? That was until people woke (Sorry to use that word!) up to the fact you were just gas giant – a huge rambling ball of hot air and little else. So now you’re forcibly hidden away at election time lest you lose votes for your colleagues. What an embarrassing fall from grace, or at least from a street planter box.

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