An inconsolable Lord Downer has called for a period of national mourning to mark “the inexplicable tragedy” of the Liberal Party’s decision not to endorse his daughter Lady Georgina for a safe seat at the 3 May federal election.

Addressing a select group of reporters at his family seat Pout House in the Adelaide Hills, an appropriately attired Lord Downer, (main picture) said Prime Minister Anthony Albanese should declare an official mourning period.

“It is only fitting that the Prime Minister also direct all flags in the nation – which incidentally my family built single-handedly – should be flown at half-mast for the entirety of the mourning period,” he said with wavering voice.

“I believe that a suitable period for such an acknowledgement of the deep loss our country has suffered would be, at minimum, a quinzième.”

When confronted with the  puzzled looks of reporters His Lordship exclaimed: “Gadzooks! Fifteen days at least!”

After a minute in which he fell silent and formed his lips into a most severe purse while breathing loudly through his nose, His Lordship continued: “I have directed my own household to observe such a period of mourning and all flags will fly at half-mast above Pout House along with the trousers of all male staff.”

Using a black-laced kerchief drawn from a sleeve of his mourning gown, His Lordship dried his eyes and took snuff from a pewter box proffered by a page boy who had some difficulty approaching, given the altitude of his breeches.

“Despite the notorious activities of her opponents when my dear daughter stood for my old seat of Mayo in 2019, – when they deliberately stole the election from her by blatantly gaining more so-called ‘votes’ than her – it appears the Liberal Party has declared all seats in the next parliament are spoken for.

“So it is my melancholy duty to acknowledge that my dear darling Georgina (pictured below) will, I am afraid, not continue the grand tradition of my family in taking her rightful place in our nation’s parliament,” he said.

“This is entirely due to the woke concept of so-called ‘democracy’ that illogically and unfairly demanded that she lower herself to contest a so-called ‘preselection’ and then face so-called ‘voters’ at a so-called ‘election’.

“This radical left-wing system clearly discriminates against my family. Fancy someone of my lovely daughter’s standing and breeding facing a contest with anyone from the lower orders.

“It is unthinkable for the party I once led so ably for so long…,” he said before his voice trailed off and reporters began giggling only to fall silent as His Lordship raised a monocole to his right eye and cut them a look.

His Lordship attempted to continue his remarks but then swooned heavily, slumped sideways, and saved himself by grabbing at and dragging to the floor the already lowered trousers of the nearby page boy.

The page was then joined by several others who gathered His Lordship in their arms and, shuffling awkwardly because of the state of their trousers, carried him from the room to his bed chamber.

At that point an under-butler advised that the news reporters should leave the grounds of Pout House immediately as he would be releasing hounds in precisely one ghurry.

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