In a world that continues to sink into a shit-filled whirlpool of destruction, despair, and Donald, our in-house astrologer has discovered cause for optimism in the month ahead. Had you going there for a moment didn’t we? You big April Fool! Of course he hasn’t.

ARIES – March 21 – April 19

As a Tesla owner who has endured escalating anti-Elon Musk taunts from strangers including overt Nazi references and gestures, you finally snap and, after driving out of a major shopping centre car park, you stop, leave your car, and walk back to punch out the boom gate.

TAURUS – April 20 – May 20

You wonder if ABC TV really thought it could fool anyone when, after months of airing repeats on high rotation of Would I Lie to You? followed by repeats on high rotation of QI, it simply reversed the order in which the two shows are broadcast.

GEMINI – May 21 – June 20

Watching ABC TV’s new Sunday night crime drama Darby and Joan you struggle to find a word to described Bryan Brown’s acting style until you recall that he is a cert for a big award this year – not a Logie or an AACTA, but a prestigious gong from the Timber Industry Association of Australia.

CANCER – June 21 – July 22

You remain bitterly disappointed after binge watching all past and current episodes of Darby and Joan and Greta Scacchi doesn’t get the girls out once.

LEO – July 23 – August 22

You reach that stage in life when Would I Lie to You? is nowhere near as funny and as full of British drollery and brilliant Lee Mack quips and David Mitchell off-the-cuff Peter Cook-worthy monologues as those that enthralled you way back when.

VIRGO – August 23 – September 22

You can’t believe your luck when walking down a deserted laneway at night armed with a 3.2kg Duncan and Fearnley cricket bat, you encounter the very old chemist who sold a batch of faulty Fourex condoms to the father of Clive Palmer just nine months before the fat prick’s birth.

LIBRA – September 23 – October 22

There must have been a Retired Pharmacists Convention nearby because your luck continues and you then encounter the fathers of Senators Ralph Babet, Malcolm Roberts and Pauline Hanson. You BUGgers out there are invited to add to this list.

SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21

You remain clinically depressed days after hearing some days ago a television promo that boasted “no other nighttime Australian TV program comes close to this” in explaining an upcoming episode of Married at First Sight.

SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21

You lie awake in bed wondering if you remain the only person in Australia who has never been able to cleanly tear off a sheet of Glad Wrap. Yes, we might have used this before but you try writing this shit month after month.

CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19

Let alone a sheet that then sticks well to whatever it is you hoped to cover.

AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18

You lie awake in bed wondering if Emma Rebellato could possibly be anywhere near as nice as how she comes across on ABC News Breakfast.

PISCES – February 19 – March 20

You really do hope she has some faults – even just a bit of bad breath maybe – because you are devoid of any redeemable features yourself and have been for ever and a day a wretched, unpleasant, to-be-avoided-at-all-costs cunt.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com