Dutton quits Liberal leadership

CANBERRA: Peter Dutton has announced plans to quit the Liberal Party leadership and carve out a new career in international diplomacy.

Mr Dutton (far right at left in main picture) said his deputy Sussan Ley (far right at right in main picture) would be acting leader until his far-right replacement was elected by Liberal Party MPs.

Mr Dutton said his first job would be to fly to Washington DC to negotiate with President Donald Trump a peace deal between Ukraine and Russia and a deal to protect Australia from any US tariff war.

“I made up my mind to take a new direction in my professional life after a phone call from Ukraine’s President Volodymyr Zelenskyy,” Mr Dutton explained.

“He said he had read my recent declaration that where our limp-wristed Prime Minister Anthony Albanese has failed, I could secure a deal with President Trump that would prevent tariffs being imposed by him on Australian exports to the USA.

“President Zelenskyy told me that from his own experiences, I must be the only person in the world – in the world! – capable of achieving any sensible agreement with the US President.

“If so, he said, I am exactly the sort of person Ukraine needs on its side as it confronts both the US and Russia in negotiations to reach a ceasefire and hopefully a just peace settlement.

“I really feel this is my calling because as most people know I am an ex-Queensland copper so I am the sort of subtle, thoughtful, and even-handed person who is totally suited to sensitive international diplomacy.”

Mr Dutton said while he had been looking forward to winning the coming federal election in a landslide and becoming a long-term prime minister, he now had a far bigger and more important role to play on the global stage.

“I believe that because I can negotiate successfully with Donald Trump, I clearly have the ability to stride the world stage and reach workable and lasting settlements in all current and future disputes and conflicts,” he said.

Asked if he would be turning his attention to the Middle East to settle the Israeli/Hamas war and end the genocidal tactics of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, Mr Dutton said that conflict was not on his list.

“I think Bibi has it under control and is doing an excellent job,” he said.

Want to be alerted immediately a new blog hits Australia’s longest running and most offensive satire site? Simply click on the Follow sign or the link below to be emailed new yarns the moment they are uploaded! The very second we go far too far – and trust us we will – you can then quickly unfollow via the three dots!

Follow The Bug Online on WordPress.com